that’s what the big book says about alcoholics. i’ll buy into that. lately, i have begun to feel like people think i’m stupid or an airhead or just a big spaz. i don’t think i’m those things. i think i’m smart and witty and have a LOT of energy/passion sometimes.
but, i will tell you that i was teased mercilessly in school as i remember. i was too short, too skinny, too smart, too talkative, too … i was too much for everyone. and i won’t say that all of that didn’t hurt me terribly. i had somewhere already learned that you NEVER cry, but it didn’t make any of those jokes or comments any less hurtful or wounding.
i’m the type of person (still am), who can’t fathom people who go out of their way to be mean to people. i’ve always known them and actually, hung out with a lot of them. but, i wouldn’t ever just call out someone’s appearance or mock someone with malice.
i’m not saying i don’t judge people (i do, constantly), or that i don’t ever banter or tease or joke. hell, i’m not even saying i don’t have a wicked mean tongue should the occasion present itself and i’m whipped up into enough of a frenzy. it’s happened.
but, i am feeling lonely and melancholy lately (not great spiritual fitness) and it feels like i’m the butt of all the jokes or that i’m the only one no one wants to sit with or i’m always the last picked for gym (that happened nearly every time).
i’m sure it’s nothing. i’m sure everyone doesn’t hate me. but i just wish i KNEW that were the case. that people thought highly of me or i was respected for SOMEthing. a great career, an idyllic relationship, a stunning personality … shit, i’d settle for smokin’ hot body (that’s nowhere near the case right now). i feel mediocre and lacking. wanting. not measuring up.
it’s the curse of a lot of people, i’m sure. but i can’t allow it to fester for too long, because then i’m all alone (in my mind) and then my self-pity and self-hatred can go to town and eventually tell me the way to fix it all, the way to screw it to everyone, the way to really show people how fucked up i REALLY am is to take a drink.
and i write this all down and i feel dumb because the people who actually read this seem to act like they like me just fine. i’m not trying to plot or seek out compliments. but i’m trying to get back to basics where i tell you what’s going on in my head. and i’m also not looking to take a drink, either. i’m just feeling lonely and isolated and it means i just have some work to do.
isn’t that always what it is?
the smussyolay 