and they wonder why …

hey guys, thanks for giving me the encouragement to keep writing. that’s great … i think that it was just what i needed right now. i’d been neglecting the blog for quite some time and i think there was some some weird thing that i should tone it down due to looking for a job or wanting to transfer jobs or something. i don’t know. i think writing here on a regular basis keeps me motivated — keeps me a better writer — keeps me better informed on the world, on me, on life.  keeps me better connected.  thanks for the encouragement.

still struggling with this days/nights getting mixed up thing. it’s 2:13 and i already took my meds but i’m really not tired.  i just took another 1/2 a seroquel. i keep forgetting i need to take a whole 100mg these days.  therapist wasn’t that jazzed that i cut my 100mgs in 1/2 and use as needed.  not the use as needed part (i always forget if that’s PRN or PCN — it’s PRN), but the fact that i’m cutting them in half.  i’ve been doing it for years with no problems and doc knew i was doing it before, so i don’t see an issue with it, but i forget i’m new there and i can’t really blame him.  i appreciate where he’s coming from, at least.  

when friends of mine decide to wean themselves off meds or otherwise generally fuck around with their meds without telling doc first, i generally give them ‘the talk’ he gave me.  but the thing is — my old doc who knew me very well knew i was doing this — it’s not like i came up with this genius plan on my own, you know?  anyway, it’s weird, you know? one of the things that i have in the bathroom (this has a point, hang on here) is this book “inspiration — your ultimate calling” or something like that by dr. wayne dyer.  i figure i’ll start putting books like that in the bathroom so i’ll eventually get them read. it’s not like i am a long-term shitter, but even a minute here or there is worth something over the long haul.

anyway, he’s like a lot of people (conversations with god, etc.) in that he believes we chose our path here on earth — that we all do, even when it appears hard or fucked up.  when we choose alcoholic parents or addiction or … manic-depression, for instance.  and i’m finding that i definitely chose it, because i’m using it all the time to help people who also “suffer” from the illness as well.  i get to use my experience strength and hope in recovering from it and being stabilized in it and taking meds and all of that in sponsoring people and talking to people about all sorts of things — even people who just struggle with depression.  i think nearly all of my sponsees have had manic-depression and i’ve talked with other friends about it or depression or friends they know or what-have-you.  it’s really fascinating, and the more it happens, the more i know this is definitely part of my path that i am supposed to turn to good.

well, here we go a-blogging again, hey?  welcome back, everyone.  welcome back.