for the love of all that is holy

“radio is dead,” people like to say.  nietzsche said god was dead, too, but clearly he was off the mark.  radio isn’t dead by a long shot.  it’s not dead on the traditional airwaves, it’s not dead on HD, it’s not dead by satellite and it’s not dead on the internet. 

it pains me to think that radio is going anywhere because radio has always been such an integral part of who i am and where i’m going — figuratively and literally.  it’s brought me the bands and influences that make me who i am today:  the oldies station all through childhood, the top 40s station as a teenager, the college radio station that expanded my music library and vocabulary beyond my wildest dreams as a young adult, and the mix of chicago radio stations that continue to bring me new music, pop hits and old favorites up until this present moment.  

it’s taken me on countless road trips, been the soundtrack to endless evenings, helped me write numerous letters and pieces of art, and been a constant companion — at work, school, home, play and travel.  i’ve come to know DJs on a personal level; the hours i’ve spent coming to know their idiosyncrasies, their turns of phrase, their favorite artists, have all been well spent.  i’ve waited through 4 minutes of commercials for one favorite song.  i’ve called in for tickets, held on to make a request, and spent the next 4 songs making idle chatter with a bored DJ until the next break.  i’ve loved radio and it’s loved me.

it’s with happy heart that i am becoming involved with a radio station again.  CHIRP — the Chicago Independent Radio Project — is a non-profit organization that is bringing local community radio to Chicago.  we are launching in january, online at, and i’m really happy to be a part of it.  i’m the events director for the station and we have a lot of exciting things coming up: launch party, concerts, fundraisers, reading events, etc.  local music, arts, culture, community.  those are some of the things we want to focus on and highlight at CHIRP.

we have built our studio with our own hands (literally) from the ground up (literally).  and we will need help.  we have partnered with kickstarter, an organization that helps people fundraise. the gist is that people donate and people who have pledged to donate don’t pay until the entire goal is raised.  it’s cool — it’s like the point, or groupon.  it’s based on a tipping point sort of system.  our goal was to raise enough money for our first year of streaming costs.  we have met that goal, but since we decided to be conservative in order to meet our goal, we’d like to expand our campaign to cover our first year of archiving and music licensing fees as well. This would mean we’d need to raise another $1000, for a total of $5800. 

right now, as of 12:05 am, 11/10/09 (9, 10, 11!!)  we have 160 backers at $5,346.  you can help out by pledging something … any amount is appreciated, but if you go to the site  you will see that various levels have various different incentives/gifts attached to them.  i will tell you this — if you are able to pledge $100 — there are limited edition mix CDs by the various DJs, one of whom is myself.  apparently, someone has already pledged for one of them.  so there are two left.  here is the description:

Selection #7 from our extremely limited edition CHIRP DJ mix CD series: Not One More Note of Winter: Chicago winters last far too long, and it’s always nice to have a piece of our best season to take with you everywhere. Lively pop songs bring summer’s radiant tones and bright lyrics to warm up the chilliest of fall nights and coldest of winter days, curated by CHIRP Events Director Jocelyn Geboy.

so that’s that.  get on it … $1 or $5 is just fine.  but so is $50 or $500!   YAY radio!!  YAY CHIRP!

let’s go dutch treat

i’ve been really sick this week. i’m not the type to run right to a doctor in the first place, and i’m also not the type to want to go storming around, demanding antibiotics. hell, i’m the gal that’s all anti flu shot. so, when i got sick, i figure i’d just have to ride it out a few days or a week and then be done with it.

however, i also know my body pretty well, insofar as certain aspects are concerned, and i know that after 5 days go by and blowing my nose still yields deposits that have … color to them, that i am no longer suffering from a common cold, but from some sort of infection. maybe it *is* a viral infection, but it’s going to need an antibiotic. that is, i think it’s probably NOT viral and it’s bacterial. it’s probably not strep, but it’s bacterial.

how do i know this? well, i’ve been kicking around in this body for 35 years. i know how i handle a cold. i know i get clear snot after a day or so. i know i don’t continue to cough. i know i’m not beat down with fatigue for a week. i know that’s just not things work. i also know if i have all of these symptoms going on a week, that my relatively healthy immune system has been pushed to its limit. it’s doing everything it can and it needs some help. the army needs a ‘surge.’

but for this and at *least* the next paycheck, i am squeezed right to the penny. i am completely fucked. i have no extra money. i called walgreens and found out what the cheapest prescription was that i could get — a good, old-fashioned round of amoxicillin. it would be about $15. i guess i could swing that. i also could probably swing a professional friend who could write the prescription. it wasn’t shady, it’s legit and everything. but it certainly doesn’t beat going to a doctor with a real appointment and all of that.

i can’t do that, though. i can’t go to the doctor. i have several teeth that are also FUCKED and i can’t go to the dentist, either. can’t afford it. not even close. i’m terrified that they probably need root canals at this point, which is even MORE money than the fillings or replacement fillings they once needed. i realized the other day that i’m not sure the last time i had an annual was. i used to be faithful, diligent about it. every year, like clockwork. i haven’t been on the pill in awhile, so maybe that has had something to do with it. and if you’re healthy, you can actually go every 1-3 years. but i think it might be going on something like 4. there’s even a clinic here that is SUPER sliding scale. but you know what? i’ve used their services like that so many times, that i just want to be able to go back when i can actually afford to pay them something close to their proper amount.

and so it goes and so it goes and so i go without medical attention.

i don’t understand all the people who cry out in fear and terror that everyone will have to wait months for procedures if we get national healthcare. i wait anyway. i wait forever. because i don’t have the money to pay for a doctor. period. there’s no waiting list. i just don’t get treated. i just don’t go to the doctor. i just don’t get seen. people might be coming from canada to pay cash for some sort of medical attention, but they must be better off than me to begin with, because i don’t have the cash to pay the doctors they’re seeing, either.

the thing is, i’ll fucking pay for it. just like i used to pay for it when i was at companies that offered health insurance in a big enough group where my pre-existing conditions didn’t matter and the price wasn’t so situated that it was too stifling to even think about trying to pay the premium each month. instead, i checked ‘yes’ to PPO and dental and they cut that shit off the top of my paycheck each month, and for all intents and purposes, i was no more the wiser, no worse for the wear. it was no different than any other tax for this or that or social security.

so do the same fucking thing if i pick the government plan. take the money from joe at his company when he pays for his company’s AT&T BCBS plan. and take the money from my check when i pick the white house plan. easy enough. i’m even chipping in. that’s fair, isn’t it? i’m not even asking for it completely free. i’m just asking for the CHANCE to try and have what others have. i’m just asking for the opportunity to try and live a life free of the fear that i will perish from some sort of preventable, treatable disease. that i will have to be in pain or distress from some symptoms that could have been alleviated if i could have been working with a professional. if i could only believe that my life was as important as someone who worked in the office next to mine.

that’s all i’m asking. i’ll even go dutch treat.

oh no! oh no!

i am on twitter and i see this from @bridgeportseasoning: Lebowski moment: walked past a tumbleweed en route to the L.

he then goes on to forewarn me that he’s going to post a picture.

see!! see!! all you mofos who laugh and laugh and think i’m weird because i fear the tumbleweed when i SUPPOSEDLY don’t live near any place where there could *be* a tumbleweed rolling down my street … well, who is the fool now? huh? HUH!??

the end times truly are upon us.

pray pray pray

cycles and cycles. hit a rough patch the last 24 hours. some old stuff that hits me over and over again, regular like clockwork. i believe we get presented with lessons until we learn what we need to from them. until we take different actions. until we change somehow. or until we open the door to let ourselves be changed. i ran into something today, and i just have to pray for the willingness to do some work around some stuff.

willingness and humility. steps six and seven. it’s funny, in the book of alcoholics anonymous, these steps literally get two paragraphs. one apiece. a lot of people in their initial go round with the steps gloss over them, head on to eight and nine and get to cracking with amends. this in itself, is not a bad thing, cleaning up the ‘wreckage of one’s past.’ it’s essential to a lot of other psychic change.

however, what i’m finding out is that the crux of it all lies in six and seven(1)(2). it’s all about if i’m willing to let go of the things that trip me up, that cause me to act in ways that get me in trouble or harm others or just don’t let me feel as close to god as i want to. secondarily, if i want to let go of these things or be rid of them, then will i ask for them to be removed? cause, as we’ve seen in previous posts, i am not really good at doing these things myself. i need help. if it were as easy as ….

patient: doctor, it hurts when i move my arm.
doctor: then don’t move your arm.

i’d be gold. but the fact of the matter is, not only can i not help moving my arm, i will sit and move my arm just to see if it’s going to hurt this one more time. just in case. maybe i’ll have figured out another way to move it so it won’t hurt. so, i need something to 1. help me not move my arm or better yet, 2. heal my arm so it doesn’t hurt.

so yeah, i need some work. and i need to ask for the willingness to let it be done. cause i’m in pain and when i’m in pain, i don’t tend to make the best decisions. i definitely need some outside help. so, that’s that. time for bed. i should help myself in that arena, too.

(1) step six: ‘were entirely ready to have god remove all these defects of character.’ step seven: ‘humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings.’
(2) it’s so funny, all the steps are super important, separately and together. they all need to be worked every day, to some extent. so i love when i think one is my ‘favorite’ or is the ‘crux of it all’ or whatever, cause it’s gonna change tomorrow or in 20 minutes. next it will all be about step three(3) or something.
(3) step three: ‘made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of god, as we understood him.’

one day, it just won’t matter

there’s been one lead, or AA talk, that i’ve given that’s been recorded. somewhere, i have a copy of it. i’ve never listened to it. i have pretty much no idea what i said. the only thing i really remember is that i said that the idea that i want to be cool will kill me. and i really mean that. i mean it figuratively and i mean it literally.

it works on so many levels. it works on the i want people to like me, i want to be cool, so i worry about what you think of me, so i’m miserable tip. and that state of mind will eventually drive me to do destructive things that will kill me. it works on the it’s killing me inside to live by the constantly comparing myself to other people’s outsides, their money, their things, their looks, their attitudes, their demeanors, their status, *my* perception of *their* reality. when i live like that, pieces of me die inside.

it works on the if i’m constantly trying to be cool, then i’m constantly trying to figure out who you want me to be, and so i’m not really figuring out who i really am, or listening to the thing inside me that already knows and i move a little farther away from that thing, causing me to have more of an internal split than i already feel or perceive that i have. which in and of itself is a lie, and which causes me much pain and fear and angst. but continuing to pursue your interest of who i think you think i should be, instead of listening for who i already am, continues to fuel the fire that i am not already who i was meant to be.

it works because when i’m striving for things outside myself to make me feel or be ‘cool,’ i’m not trusting that what i am and what i have is okay, and that i have and am enough. i’m not trusting that i am being taken care of. i’m not trusting if i show up, do the work well, and continue to seek the path laid out in front of me, everything will be as it should be. instead, i act out of fear, ego and pride, and i cause situations and incidents to occur that wouldn’t necessarily have arisen had i not forced my will upon things out of a need to control or feel okay or want to just be better somehow.

and yet, all that and self-knowledge avails me nothing.

my niece (10) and nephew (13) are coming into town this weekend. i instigated it. i wanted it to be part of their christmas present. i want them to have time in the big city. i want them to see a different part of the world (the midwest, at least?). i want them to be able to do things they wouldn’t get to with their mom or grandparents. i want …

to be loved.
to be the cool aunt.
for them to have a great time.
for them to like to be with me.
for them not to be scared.
for them to talk with me.
for them to want to do things.
for me to pull this off in grand fashion.
to make this totally fun.

gah. see? all the stuff i wrote above seems total bullshit, hey? at the end of it all, i struggle every moment of the day 1. not to think about myself all the time and 2. not to want you to think i’m cool.

help me, god.

i need a personal assistant

seriously. it’s weird. there are so many things i’m always wanting to do and never get around to … uploading all my flickr pics. going through my flickr pics and putting them into sets, giving them tags, etc. transcribing hundreds of pages of things i’ve written on to the computer.

man. it sounds ridiculous, but it’s true. i’ve got someone to work on the smussyhead logo, but i need to create all the stuff and i want to start working on some books to be published and …

i also need a grant writer.