you never can tell

watching sober house on VH1 is pretty painful. not for the reasons you might, think — me, being such a reality show junkie (pun intended). it’s not the has-been celebrities or even the “who’s that? *are they* a celebrity?” roundabout sort of things that are going on there. it’s literally that the drama that is being shown on there is really that — drama. it’s hard to explain. the drama of the jersey shore ridics or the hills or rock of love is all pale in comparison to sober house.

the jersey shore people are so stupid and ridiculous it’s just painful to watch them. it’s truly a reality show people watch to feel completely superior to the people they’re watching on tv. it’s ironic then, that these people have blown up to become temporary household catch phrases and pop culture watchwords; if only to be cautionary tales of what happens when you drop in a tanning booth too many times a week or find yourself gazing too longingly at an ed hardy catalog by accident with your wallet too nearby. the drama here is bombastic and childish and purely laughable — whatever ill befalls these people will be made up for in endorsements and appearance fees.

as i understand it, the hills was some sort of strange hybrid of real people acting out some sort of hollywood life-script that took on a life of its own — creating strange characters that ended up walking out of the show like godzillas off a movie soundstage — wreaking havoc wherever they went and becoming plasticized versions of real human beings. dear lord. i can honestly say i never did end up watching an episode of that show. the drama here walks the line between script and soul-sucking.

and rock of love. a competition show where some sort of nostalgic figure comes back a lot worse for the wear to incite the children of his fans to compete in various slutty challenges for his affection and the chance to be his right-hand woman. the drama that ensues is tantalizing; each woman plays out some sort of character, having been cast as such when she was hand-picked by the producers for the show. there are fights between villains and all out brawls; alliances are created and plans and schemes hatches. people are backstabbed and tales are tattled. there is hardly anything more satisfying than a good romance-competition-drama on the old Video Hits One. so, so, delicious.

sober house presents a different kind of drama — one that might appear to have some of the same elements as some of the other reality shows. there is nitpicking and verbal sparring. there are people who seem to have it out for each other and can never really seem to get along. at every turn, there seems to be some sort of drama always spilling out; some sort of tension under the surface just waiting to go into overdrive. i could see where people would think this was scripted or that people were being dramatic just to play to the cameras.

but the reason it’s painful for me to watch is that i recognize these people. not as celebrities, but as recovering alcoholics and addicts. i get it. i know these people. i’ve seen them all before, and on some level, i’ve been (and can be) them before. i can see the people who are taking their recovery seriously, and i can see the people who are struggling. moreover, i can see the people who are totally pushing buttons and just doing their best not only to sabotage their own recovery, but completely fuck with the serenity and progress of the people around them.

it’s such a reminder of how powerful addiction is, and what it looks like on other people. i don’t care if you’ve had millions of dollars or who you used to fuck or what sorts of people you used to hang with — when alcoholism and addiction come a-callin’, it just all looks the same. it looks the same kicking ass and it looks the same leaving town. i am so happy for the people who seem to be understanding what it takes to recover, and i’m horrified and scared for the people on there who seem to be swinging in the breeze.

meanwhile, i really need to get to bed, because unlike all the trouble i have getting up for everything — somehow i’ve agreed to get up at 7:45ish to be picked up at 8:30 tomorrow to do 12-step stuff. there certainly are paradoxes around here. i don’t know how i’m always able to do stuff for that, but can’t manage to take care of stuff for myself. you just never can tell.

20 Questions

Don’t know why, but I feel compelled for some reason to post A.A.’s 20 questions here today. By now, I just follow my instinct/s. Enjoy, digest, forward, ignore.

The 20 Questions

Take this 20 question test to help you decide whether or not you are an alcoholic.

Answer YES or NO to the following questions.

1. Do you lose time from work due to drinking?
YES __ NO __

2. Is drinking making your home life unhappy?
YES __ NO __

3. Do you drink because you are shy with other people?
YES __ NO __

4. Is your drinking affecting your reputation?
YES __ NO __

5. Have you ever felt remorse after drinking?
YES __ NO __

6. Have you ever got into financial difficulties as a result of drinking?
YES __ NO __

7. Do you turn to lower companions and an inferior environment when drinking?
YES __ NO __

8. Does your drinking make you careless of your family’s welfare?
YES __ NO __

9. Has your ambition decreased since drinking?
YES __ NO __

10. Do you crave a drink at a definite time?
YES __ NO __

11. Do you want a drink the next morning?
YES __ NO __

12. Does drinking cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?
YES __ NO __

13. Has your efficiency decreased since drinking?
YES __ NO __

14. Is drinking jeopardizing your job or business?
YES __ NO __

15. Do you drink to escape from worries or trouble?

YES __ NO __

16. Do you drink alone?
YES __ NO __

17. Have you ever had a complete loss of memory as a result of drinking?
YES __ NO __

18. Has your physician ever treated you for drinking?
YES __ NO __

19. Do you drink to build up your self-confidence?
YES __ NO __

20. Have you ever been to a hospital or institution because of drinking?
YES __ NO __

What’s your score?

If you have answered YES to any one of the questions, there is a definite warning that you may be an alcoholic.

If you have answered YES to any two, the chances are that you are an alcoholic.

If you answered YES to three or more, you are definitely an alcoholic.

(The test questions are used at Johns Hopkins University Hospital, Baltimore, MD, in deciding whether or not a patient is an alcoholic).

french silk pie and diet coke

it’s always sort of amusing to watch someone order a big dessert and then order a diet drink. as if they are canceling one another out. sometimes, i know from experience, you just want the diet drink for the taste or whatever, but i do know people who order the diet drink so they are being responsible in the beverage department. and it seems so ridiculous to think the calories they’re saving on cola are going to help when they’re having some triple fudge turtle sundae or something.

unfortunately, hypocrisy is often not so innocent. its effects often are not so sequestered to one person or one moment. hypocrisy often has a wide birth of influence, touching many lives and going much deeper than the diet of a compulsive eater. often times, hypocrisy will corrode the thinking of someone so badly they can no longer see the true from the false. i guess it’s not hypocrisy that corrodes the thinking. that’s the symptom. that’s what comes from the disease of self-righteousness. being so completely positive that you’re right. it’s then that hypocrisy blooms, because no one is perfect and it’s hard to always march to black and white standards, what with life being so many shades of gray.

for the life of me, i cannot figure out how people can say they are pro-life and pro-god and pro-jesus and then seemingly without guile, look people in the face and say that murdering another person was the right thing to do. i cannot figure out which part of the bible they are reading. i cannot figure out what part of jesus’ teachings they are following. i do not know their god.

even by simple logic. ‘thou shalt not kill.’ that’s pretty straightforward. it doesn’t say, ‘but if you think you have a really good reason to do so, you can step in and decide when is a good time and then go for it.’ when jesus lays down the golden rule. when jesus says we must forgive our brothers seventy times seven. when jesus says that the first person who has not sinned may cast the first stone. but seriously, ‘thou shalt not kill.’ that’s pretty straightforward.

and then there’s the nuances of it all. i just don’t know when it ever says we get to be the arbiters of god’s laws. when it says that we get to be judge and jury. if anything, i’d think that these people would feel so terrible and horrible for these people’s souls that they’d be on constant prayer vigil for them, praying that they would find the lord. praying that they’d find their way to a clear soul, to salvation. and i’m not joking or being snide. i’m being completely serious. i don’t know where in the scheme of things you kill someone and get to heaven and god says ‘you’ve done my work well.’ if anything, it’s “you were out of line, ” or “what were you thinking?”

i just think that these things are between god and that person. for full disclosure … i’ve never had an abortion. that’s the thing. i believe in a woman’s right to choose. i don’t want children. but i’ve also been pretty careful. sure, i’ve put myself in positions where i could have been in a place to have to made some decisions i didn’t want to make, but like so many other things in my life, i just didn’t have to be in that place. i don’t know why. i’ve been blessed in that regard. i don’t manage my money well and i can’t seem to eat right, but i’ve been blessed in a lot of other ways.

i say that to say that it’s not like i have a secret shame about something that *i’ve* done. but i have lots of friends who have had abortions. and they have had varying experiences. and NO ONE can know their hearts. i know that by and large, they all have had a lot of feelings and lasting impact around those experiences. they didn’t take the situations lightly. they still mourn and grieve to some extent. so, for people to make assumptions about these women and what they are going through is not fair and is incorrect.

but to today. i still don’t understand how anyone can kill a man and say it’s in the name of any god i know. i still don’t know how that’s not a terrorist act. you aren’t acting the way i want, so i will commit violence toward you. i don’t like you, so i will invoke fear upon you with hatred and physical damage and death. i despise you, so i will come at you with the worse thing i have. at your church — a place that is sancrosanct.

it’s beyond me. now, my job is to see where i can have forgiveness in my heart. and not let this get me all crazy and perpetuate hate and anger and all of that. but it’s so perplexing. it’s so baffling. i just can’t see my way around it.

jesus was a zombie jew carpenter

i’m breaking my promise in that i told my friends i was just going to drop that and not post anything else. oh well, i fibbed.

so, i had this party tonight and it didn’t go exactly like i thought it would, but it was not at all disappointing. there was food and beverage and talking and laughing. we got going on ‘the book of questions,’ and it was a real fun time. nothing like getting a bunch of recovering alkies talking about deep subjects. it’s really a riot. seriously.

at one point (or seven), we got talking about religion and the bible and such things. my friend said that jesus was a ‘zombie jew carpenter’ because he told people to eat of him and then he reanimated from the dead. i thought that was fucking hysterical. really.

also, it turns out that apparently my friends see me as a non-christian, anti-bible type. i guess i don’t really talk about my pseudo-christian views, and i can’t TELL you the last time i picked up a bible. i have a lot of jewish friends, so they haven’t really been reading the new testament … mostly, ever. and we got into this big discussion about love and relationships and what it meant and what it didn’t, and i was talking about the fact that i haven’t really been able to capture ‘jesus love’ or something like that. the discussion progressed and i thought it would be good if people heard the bible’s definition of love.

so i went over to my bookcase, picked up my bible and went directly to 1 Corinthians. if you went to straight up christian church or gone to enough christian weddings, you know what i’m talking about. i think it enlightened some people to the level of love they’re talking about in that passage, but oddly enough, it also enlightened some people to the fact that i know my way around a bible. the thing is this: for 12 years (all through school), i went to sunday school every sunday. period. also, in high school i was best friends with someone who became a fundamentalist christian and i was extremely codependent, so i got a little more indoctrination, assembly of god style. i’m no stranger to a bible.

i don’t really talk about it much, because there’s not much need. my church is found in the rooms of AA … church basements and fellowship halls and school cafeterias. auditoriums and halfway houses and alano clubs. that’s where i get my church on and where i feel god in an impressive way. i feel all stifled and awkward and weird in ‘organized religion.’ i get these callings to jump up and give my own sermon (my parents would fucking KILL me). i’ve managed to keep those desires at bay.

sometimes, i’ve thought i’d make a good pastor. i get people telling me i’d be a good teacher. some say i’d be a good therapist. you all know i like to talk and give speeches. i love my higher power. i think that’d be a perfect combination of those skills, ey? who knows. maybe someday. we’ll see.

so, that’s that. i probably used up my nano time by doing this. lucky i started last night/morning, so i have SOME stuff logged in for 11/1. do you want to read the stuff i post? should i re-post it here? i won’t be offended if you all say no.

anyway, sweet dreams, kids. it’s fucking november.

from the history books …

Cong. John Sieberling wrote:

In the spring of 1971, the newspapers reported the passing of Bill Wilson of New York City, who as one of the two co-founders of Alcoholics Anonymous. The other co-founder, Dr. Robert Smith of Akron, Ohio, has passed on some years earlier.

Shortly after Bill’s death, the Akron Alcoholics groups asked my mother Henrietta Seiberling, to speak at the annual “Founders Day” meeting in Akron, which is attended by members of Alcoholics Anonymous from all over the world. She lives in New York and did not feel up to traveling, so they asked me to speak in her place.

I agreed to speak but felt that it would mean most to them to hear some of her own words, so I called her on the telephone and asked her to tell me about the origins of Alcoholics Anonymous so that I could make sure my remarks were accurate. I made a tape recording of the conversation and played part of it at the 1971 Founders Day meeting, which was held in the gymnasium at the University of Akron with a couple of thousand people present.

A very small portion of what Henrietta said:
The need was there, and all of the necessary elements were furnished by God. Bill the promoter, and I, not being an alcoholic, for perspective. Every Wednesday night I would speak on some new experience or spiritual idea I had read. That’s the way we all grew. Eventually the meetings moved to King School. Some man from Hollywood came, an actor, and he said that he had been all over the country and that there was something in the King School group that wasn’t in any other group. I think it was our great stress and reliance on guidance and quiet times.

Bill did a grand job. We can all see in his life what the Oxford Group people had told us in their message: that if we turn our lives to God and let him run it, he will take our shortcomings and make them valuable in His way and give us our heart’s desire. And when I got the word that Bill had gone on, I sat there, and it was just as if someone had spoken to me again on top of my head. Something said to me, “Verily, verily, he as received his reward.” So I went to the Bible, and there it was, in Matthew VI. Then I looked at Bill’s story in Alcoholics Anonymous where Bill had said that all his failures were because he always wanted people to think he was somebody.

In the first edition of the book, he said he always wanted to make his mark among people. And by letting God run his life, God took his ego and gave him his hearts desire in God’s way. And when he was gone, he was on the front page of the New York Times, famous all over the world. So it does verify what the Oxford Group people had told him.

can i tell you that when i read the portion in bold today, i started crying? i don’t know. it just was the idea that god will take my shortcomings and make them valuable … and then also give me my heart’s desire. yes. is this possibly true? even for me? i’ve read this stuff in AA literature before, and i guess as henrietta alludes, this stuff is even in the bible. but, i just saw it and heard it anew today. it was hopeful.

and of course, i relate so much to bill. i’ve said in several leads that “wanting to be cool will kill me.” and i love that bill has that same instinct, too. and i’ve had this inkling for quite some time now that my “heart’s desire” to be “rich and famous” is going to look somewhat different than what i’ve originally pictured it to be. and now i see this sentence that god took bill’s ego and “gave him his heart’s desire in god’s way.” i guess what could be better than that?

i don’t know. i feel like a god freak sometimes, but you know, i can’t be apologizing for that anymore. it is what it is and if you judge me for it, then so be it. i wasn’t afraid to be judged for being a pothead or someone who got wasted. so, i have to keep on this path and let it be what it is.

all the elements

great weather.
several homeruns.
a play at the plate (which resulted in an out in our favor).
a called strike reversed (in our favor).
a double play, that wasn’t (in our favor).
nail-biting pitching drama (like getting out of a hard place).
some back and forthing, so the game was interesting.
one starting pitcher i love (zambrano) and a closing pitcher who came in and did the job handily (three up, three down — wood).
a win. at wrigley.

not to mention i was in a field box seat for free. what more could a grrl ask from a baseball game? (only that the ivy would have been grown in.)

absolutely great. so wonderful. at one point, i just turned to my friend and said, “i effing LOVE baseball.” and i do. there’s just something about it that’s so undefineable for me. it’s so many things. i think when i said it right then, i was looking out at zambrano on the mound and the hitter he was facing and thinking about what an inextricable duel it is. one way or another, it’s frightening and exciting and terribly, horribly difficult. throwing that hard and with such accuracy. trying to hit something that small at such a high rate of speed. it’s a wonder that either one gets the job done.

and then the fans … whipping up cheers of “fukudome (clap clap … clap clap clap), fukudome (clap clap … clap clap clap).” what did these people know about this guy last year? it doesn’t matter, because he’s ours now. and we’ll love him with everything we’ve got. the two older people behind us, who knew that our great seats wouldn’t be in the sun this early in the year, dressed appropriately, and both with headphones to listen to pat and ron during the game. cub fans all the way. the four people who sat next to us, who were drinking, but not drunk — who asked me to take a picture of them. i did, and said, “that’s a good picture!” (it was!) and the girl of the group saying pseudo-quietly, “i’ll be the judge of that.” and she heartily concurred that it indeed, was “an awesome picture.”

there was a guy who was holding up a sign that i STILL can’t figure out. it said “BIG Z + (and it showed a bunch of bananas) = CY YOUNG AWARD.” who the fuck knows. i wouldn’t let myself go and ask him, because you could tell that’s exactly what he wanted. sometimes, my ego still gets in the way.

and as always, the ‘god bless america’ and the national anthem always cause me a bit of consternation. today was worse than ever, though. the guy singing them had an AMAZING voice. and it was REALLY quiet. and there’s something about music and there’s something about a large crowd’s energy that gets to me in a very spiritual way. i feel god, and that always makes me cry. add to that the fact that whenever i hear these patriotic songs, i feel so sad and weird and proud and ashamed all at once, it really tore me up. i literally had to fight sobbing so hard. all i could think was, i hope there’s really change. i hope that obama wins. i hope that these people have a CLUE about what these songs really are talking about and how far i think we’ve strayed from the principles in them. how we’re wasting people’s lives and calling it freedom and justice and democracy and safety. it just makes me so sad, because i DO love this country so much and i want us to be free. i want us to live the things we say we are. i want us to be doers of good and peace and generosity and kindness and hope. i want us to be carriers of justice and live out the principles of the declaration of independence. i want to be the country that honors the words on the statue that defines what liberty is.

and whether or not you find it ridiculously hard to believe, there’s something about being able to take a few hours on a beautiful day and kick back to relax and just enjoy a great game of baseball that speaks to me of all of that. of freedom and leisure and of happiness and of fairness and camaraderie and good sportsmanship and the lack of fear. of coming together for a common purpose and seeing things through without being nasty or having to play dirty. it’s also why i hate to see the sport tarnished in any way. baseball is sacred and holy to me in a way. there’s AA and music and baseball. if you don’t get it, you don’t get it. but for those in the choir, going to a game is definitely hanging out with god.

one day, it just won’t matter

there’s been one lead, or AA talk, that i’ve given that’s been recorded. somewhere, i have a copy of it. i’ve never listened to it. i have pretty much no idea what i said. the only thing i really remember is that i said that the idea that i want to be cool will kill me. and i really mean that. i mean it figuratively and i mean it literally.

it works on so many levels. it works on the i want people to like me, i want to be cool, so i worry about what you think of me, so i’m miserable tip. and that state of mind will eventually drive me to do destructive things that will kill me. it works on the it’s killing me inside to live by the constantly comparing myself to other people’s outsides, their money, their things, their looks, their attitudes, their demeanors, their status, *my* perception of *their* reality. when i live like that, pieces of me die inside.

it works on the if i’m constantly trying to be cool, then i’m constantly trying to figure out who you want me to be, and so i’m not really figuring out who i really am, or listening to the thing inside me that already knows and i move a little farther away from that thing, causing me to have more of an internal split than i already feel or perceive that i have. which in and of itself is a lie, and which causes me much pain and fear and angst. but continuing to pursue your interest of who i think you think i should be, instead of listening for who i already am, continues to fuel the fire that i am not already who i was meant to be.

it works because when i’m striving for things outside myself to make me feel or be ‘cool,’ i’m not trusting that what i am and what i have is okay, and that i have and am enough. i’m not trusting that i am being taken care of. i’m not trusting if i show up, do the work well, and continue to seek the path laid out in front of me, everything will be as it should be. instead, i act out of fear, ego and pride, and i cause situations and incidents to occur that wouldn’t necessarily have arisen had i not forced my will upon things out of a need to control or feel okay or want to just be better somehow.

and yet, all that and self-knowledge avails me nothing.

my niece (10) and nephew (13) are coming into town this weekend. i instigated it. i wanted it to be part of their christmas present. i want them to have time in the big city. i want them to see a different part of the world (the midwest, at least?). i want them to be able to do things they wouldn’t get to with their mom or grandparents. i want …

to be loved.
to be the cool aunt.
for them to have a great time.
for them to like to be with me.
for them not to be scared.
for them to talk with me.
for them to want to do things.
for me to pull this off in grand fashion.
to make this totally fun.

gah. see? all the stuff i wrote above seems total bullshit, hey? at the end of it all, i struggle every moment of the day 1. not to think about myself all the time and 2. not to want you to think i’m cool.

help me, god.