forcing myself

I am forcing myself to write something here. I have started and not finished many posts recently. For a variety of reasons, but I’m not going to go into that now. For now, I just want to write something and hit “publish.” I have kept this blog for nine years, and there were days I would write two, three blog posts a day. I was prolific, to say the least. I also was completely uncensored and not always of the best mind.

But now, I find myself hesitant, censored, stilted and filled with anxiety, pre-writer’s remorse and long, trailing, mind walks led by ADD central. The posts aren’t coming, they’re coming and are terrible, they’re coming and are great but shouldn’t be seen by the public. When did I get so picky? When did I get so worried? When did I start capitalizing?

My neck is ruined — I need a massage terribly. It’s in crisis mode … I’m starting to get headaches from the amount of gripping my neck and shoulders are doing on my head and face. I have so many things floating around my subconscious — so many things that are dirty and messy and need to be cleaned up — so many things I am ashamed of.

The jobs I’ve walked away from. The unpaid medical bills. The unexplained health conditions that never seem to be resolved. The cat who is dying but not dying but is so unbelievably skinny. The stuff I never quite can keep contained anywhere and the paperwork that never quite can get filed. I feel like a mess, a disaster, an ongoing failure.

There are the things I look forward to — the shows I’m in, the show I’m producing, being able to ride my bike. I look forward to the sun returning on a more permanent basis and for summer to become a semi-permanent institution again. I want to feel light again.

But by and large, I feel stuck and clumsy and dark and fearful. I feel scared and hopeless and … I don’t write these blog posts because I get here and tend to decide that no one needs to hear this stuff. I mean, who wants to read this stuff? No one. And I “save draft” or just don’t finish or something. But tonight, I’ll hit “publish.” I’m forcing myself.

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4 thoughts on “forcing myself

  1. Does it have to be about who is reading it? This is your story, whether or not anyone likes it or reads it or comments. I hate saying “hugs” and shit like that, but I am definitely sending you my hopes for a sense of peace for you.

  2. Yeah, I’m afraid the reason I’m not getting jobs is people are reading it. I’m afraid my family has found it and is hurt/shocked by it. I’m afraid I share too much. I am afraid if I say what is really going through my mind here sometimes, people will think I want to kill myself or something, when I just want to SAY stuff so I can get it out of my head. The dark, the dreary. That’s why I think I’ve been holding back, not posting. There have been times where I’ve heard that I just should not give two fucks and write all of it anyway. I’m not writing it, and I still don’t have the job, I still am not fixed, so who cares?

  3. So, I just read a book called ‘Seven Weeks to Sobriety’ by Joan Mathews Larsen. The book is about 15 years old but still so pertinent, though there are some slight tweaks that more modern research might make. I think it’s a must read for anybody in recovery. AND, I think it’s especially a must read for anybody already in recovery who still struggles with unstable emotions and health patterns. I highly highly recommend it, even if you choose not to follow any of it. Knowledge can be your friend. From what I know about you and your situation, I can guarantee you’ll find yourself described in there again and again and again.

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