I actually had this post in mind last night, and I had another experience confirm this just now. I don’t know what’s going on, but I just am out of sync with just about everyone that is familiar to me. It’s a lonely place. Maybe it’s just time to shake everything up and do something new.
One of the things I have a hard time with is admitting when I need help, especially when it comes to saying that I need help with a task or would like someone to be my partner in something or do something in collaboration with me — so that I’m held accountable and so that we have deadlines and so that we can bounce ideas off one another.
There are many reasons I am reluctant to ask people to do things with me, depending on what the “thing” is. But one of them is the simple fear of rejection. On a good day, it’s hard to hear “no.” But let me tell you this — I am tired of being turned down and THEN finding out that my other friends are, in fact, doing the things that I’m interested in without me. OUCH. Artist’s Way. Course In Miracles. Sketch groups. Writing groups. Book clubs.
These are people I’ve specifically asked to be my writing partners, my cohorts in creativity, my friends in finding freedom from procrastination. And I just want to ask them — why? What does it take? Or more importantly, why am I an undesirable? That’s seemingly the issue here. There’s the old adage that everyone you run into is a jerk, you’re the jerk. So, I’d love to know why I’m the jerk here.
There’s other ways, too. I have very close friends where we seem to have been talking regularly just a few weeks ago, and now we don’t seem to have time for one another. It’s all seemed very abrupt and out of the blue.
Again, I’m willing to take the responsibility here. There is a great desire to just run away from it all. Decide that my 15 years in Chicago have run their course, and it’s time to leave. And it may be time to do just that. I’m feeling a wanderlust that I previously have never, ever known while living in this fair city of mine. I’m ready to try something different and completely foreign.
Relatedly unrelated, I had a conversation last night that was *not* out of sync, and just felt familiar and comfortable. In the midst of feeling awkward and out of place, it was a good thing.