attention deficit disorder

No joke. It’s a real thing, and I am 100% positive I have it. I tried medicating it once, and it wasn’t for me. I’d be interested in trying again with a regular psychiatrist who knows me well and knows all my idiosyncracies (i.e., I’m in coffee club). For now, no dice. I just have it and all of its effects and ramifications.

And I really believe it’s part of the reason I have problem writing — and let me explain myself. First of all, I get great ideas for blog posts while I’m out on the go. I guess maybe I just keep an actual notepad and write it all down? Maybe that’s it. Cause even when I make a note on my phone, I often forget what it means. If I try to write it all up on WordPress on my phone, it’s tedious and I can’t get all my thoughts out the way I want. But when I get home, even if I remember the thought for a blog post, I feel lost, drifting, uninspired.

When I am at home, even cleaning is a chore. I am in every room, cleaning something in every spot, thinking of new things to do. I read about this time management thing called Pomodoro, and I think if I start trying to practice it, I could also help myself quite a bit. The thing that will help me the most is just jotting down things as I think of them, only to return to the task at hand.

Part of it is being undisciplined, especially when I try to write at night — turning off the TV, for instance. I either see things that I want to write about or look up on the world wide webs or something. So, I guess I should try and just leave the TV off when I want to write. I also know from reading many authors I respect that I need to carve some time out each day for writing. That’s something I need help with, and I hope to make some writing partners so I can be accountable to someone.

Speaking of which, the last thing that really strikes me about my attention deficit disorder is something that has been with me since I was finishing homework on the bus or trying to get a day’s worth of work done from 4-5 p.m. I am able to really crack down and get focused when there is a time constraint or potential for embarrassment/punishment or some sort of pressing nature to the task. That actually has physiological roots — much like cocaine or meth or the synthesized forms they use to battle ADD — I truly believe when I’m under pressure, the adrenaline that starts flowing works as a helpful psychoactive agent and I get things done.

It’s really something I need to learn to work around and fight against. The other thing that I think can help is remembering to turn on music when I work. First of all, it often triggers memories and helps take me places I want to write about. Second of all, I really think that it helps occupy a part of my brain so that the other part can work on left brain things.

So, I’m saying it out loud. I think this really impedes me and I need help with it. So, I’m trying to work it out, talk about it out loud. Like I do.

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