reality check

“fair is better than dead! … regardless if you are happy, fair, or feeling shitty it is all better than drunk or dead. we have to remember that the odds are against us so it is music to my ears knowing you are still sober.”

I have a friend who moved away to Germany and I haven’t seen but once or twice since he left.  I love him very much. Every time I see or talk to him, he lays some truth down on me. Oftentimes, very specific, piercing truth.  Coming from him, it’s always welcome somehow.

I’m worried, no doubt. I have no idea where I’m going to live and I need to move very soon. The moving itself would be a pain, but not knowing where I’m going to live is the worst. I feel like this year has been really hard. A lot of moving around and being displaced and feeling worried. I know that I’m supposed to trust in the bigger picture, lean into the Universe. But I’m doing a shitty job of that, too.

In fact, I seem to be taking steps away from the still, small voice within and just continuing to try and run on my own power, which has been proven to me time again does. not. work. It’s survival mechanisms, to be sure. I think I decided at a very young age that I need to handle business and figure shit out all on my own, and that’s what I did.  It served me in many ways, but at this point, it’s not helping anymore, and I think it’s become somewhat of a handicap.  Well, I know it is.

I sort of feel like someone who started swimming from beach to island and halfway there got really tired and realized they might drown — but they were too far to turn back and too far away to keep going. I don’t know where that analogy comes from — it just popped into my head. But it’s how I feel — worried and stressed and feeling like I’m drowning, but feeling like I’ve gone too far to get either place I want to go.

But W’s words get to me. I know he’s right. Being alive and sober is better than drunk and dead any day, and unfortunately, we know too many people who just didn’t make it. But it’s really hard to remember to be grateful — which is a shame. I know better. It’s definitely a reality check.

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