Headed home

“Well the bus is pulling out and I guess I better go …”

We’ve been traveling for nearly two hours now, on the bus back to Chicago from St. Louis. I’ve put on Del Amitri’s “Change Everything.” It’s one of my favorite records, and I particularly enjoy it when I feel out of sorts or sad.

I need to move in a short amount of time – October 1st, and I still don’t have a place. Money is short, as usual. I listen to the young people around me talk about the drama of this weekend — who kissed whom, who wanted to be kissed by whom, who felt left out of the kissing.

That’s me – the third option. I feel stranded between worlds – a lot of the girls are gay or newly gay or bi. I relate … I definitely am attracted to women, but I have never had a same sex experience. And, honestly, I’m not sure I’m willing to give up the world of men for life. I’ve known several women who identified as lesbian, only to find love with, marry, and have children with men. It’s why I don’t like all the labels. I think, from my understanding, bisexual or queer fit me best.

Even without any female connection, I am out on my own. I haven’t had sex with someone since all the blog lamenting of the summer of 2005. I had a few dalliances with a few guys five years ago, but they were brief and wholly disappointing. One of the reasons I have stayed in the shadows (among many) is that I am fairly aware of my propensity to fall into addictive behaviors around relationships, love and sex.

There’s a program for that – it’s Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. There’s also a program for people like me who have issues with sugar and other food – Overeaters Anonymous. There’s a problem for people who share my financial struggles – Debtors Anonymous. And there’s a program for people who struggle with their relationships in and with alcoholics – Al-Anon. I qualify for all these. But right now, working two part-time jobs, I am left struggling to go to a few coffee club meetings the way it is.

I know the danger here – the literature I read tells me that material success never precedes spiritual progress. That anything I put above my connection with a higher power, I will eventually lose. I’ve had it happen, and seen it happen to countless others. I am in a spiritual dry spell …. a desert, it seems. Going to this conference this weekend let me know that I really need to make an effort. I will say that it’s easy to make an effort when you are first desperate and spiritually bankrupt – you’ll do anything to feel better. But when I found some peace and contentment and usefulness, and I let things get away from me, it seems the slide is more gradual, and much like the frogs who do not realize they are headed for death as the water heats up incrementally, I soon am content to let things boil me alive.

I feel foolish, just letting myself drift like this. It’s like seeing an accident a mile ahead and refusing to put on the brakes, just to see what will happen. More accurately, feeling like you just can’t take your foot off the gas – that it’s become leaden and impossible to move – so you become resigned to whatever happens.

At least it’s getting me writing again. That’s something, I suppose. I also don’t want to be one of those artistes that need pain or suffering to get them to work. That seems counterproductive and not what I want for my life. For now, I’ll take the silver lining in this cloud and keep heading home.

“Cause I’ve had enough bad news to last a lifetime/I’ve had enough bad news to last a lifetime …”

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