So, I suppose some of the chapters of the memoir will have to talk about/deal with those years of “hanging out with my fundamentalist best friend,” as I’ve come to term it. There’s so much there, so many layers. As per usual, I have vague memories of a lot of it — not that that in particular scarred me more than anything else — I have brown/blackout memories of *everything,* it seems. Good stuff, bad stuff, childhood, adulthood. I’m still working that all out, too. I guess I’ll have to have more chapters (or a book) on my theories about trauma and PTSD and low-level stress and why my brain decides just to switch off the old black box now and again.
But all of that aside, I do remember some things that were talked about in those … what were we at again? Were they Christian education nights? Youth group things? I don’t really know. I know I’d go with her to her Assembly of God church sometimes to things and they’d talk about this or that. I do remember that amongst all the “end of days” stuff and “rapture”ness, they’d talk about the Tribulation. As I remember, it was this period of time after the Rapture (when Jesus comes back a second time to judge the living and the dead, and all the awesome, saved, holy people just get whisked away right to heaven right there) where you could still live and stuff and maybe make it to heaven if you didn’t fall for the Antichrist’s bullshit. But the Tribulation was serious … shit was gonna get real, yo.
Now, I don’t subscribe to much of anything that was being thrown at me during those days, but every now and again I wonder or at least contemplate the things that were being thrown into my impressionable young mind. Or at least I wonder about the things that are now being thrown into my world every damned day. Another mass shooting, another crazy weather tragedy, another crazy tale of animal abuse and torture (WTF, people!?). Not to mention the outright war and famine and all of that. And I wonder — shit, how are we getting this so wrong? How can we not see that this stuff is fully avoidable, fully in our hands to correct?
Some will say that we just know about this stuff because we have Internet now; that it’s always been happening and we just didn’t hear about it because it was on the other side of the country. I call bullshit on that only for the fact that I’ve had regular access to the internet since 1997, and there wasn’t a fucking mass shooting every other week. Columbine rocked the nation because it was unexpected and insane.
Maybe it’s Facebook and Twitter that have accelerated the newscycle; well, not maybe, I know they have. But there still has to be crazy-ass events to be reported and tweeted and thrown around Facebook. Even two years ago, I don’t think that there were this many crazy things happening every week. I could be wrong, and I’m actually not that worried despite the possible proposition that it’s the “end of times.” I just don’t have any time for that sort of thing. Okay, take me, universe.
Not to mention I’m too busy worrying about the other ways I might die — like the moles that keep popping up with a fierce regularity and the way the other ones seem to be growing in size overnight … maybe not so scary, except I don’t have access to health care, and the referrals I got the other day … wait, over *a month ago,* for an Endocrinologist and a Dermatologist … well, the Endo appt. is 10/12, and I still haven’t gotten confirmation for the Derm. So. Yeah.
I guess I should just be fine with whatever happens in some respect or trust that “God’s in charge.” I don’t put that in quotes to mock the saying, just to say that it’s something I’ve heard and said many times in the last decade. But it’s only good if I believe it. And then act like I believe it.
This is kind of why I haven’t been blogging — so depressing, angsty. But I keep hearing that I should do it anyway, and maybe that’s what I’ll do. I got another part-time job at Barnes and Noble, and it’s great to be back in a bookstore. I don’t know that it’s super awesome to work at TWO jobs that pay less than a living wage, but I’m happy to be back amongst books. Yesterday, I came across the section with Jen Lancaster’s books. She has three or four … memoirs. So, not only is she writing the kinds of books that I want to write, she’s been successful only writing about *herself.* So, it’s somewhat doable. I just need to do it. Always the rub.
Anyway, if you are going through and trials and/or tribulations, I feel for you. I just need to keep marching.