clearing out the webs 1.4.06
i’m going to see this with a friend of mine. my castmate is in it, and we’re getting in free. that’s rad.
my castmate says, “you can dress up if you want to.” i thought maybe he meant like the ’80s. then, when talking to my friend who i’m going with, it occurs to me…oh, maybe like actually like we’re going to prom.
oh. hmm. i never went to prom. i didn’t go to a dance in high school. i went to dances in 7th and 8th grade. danced my ass off, never a slow dance. then, no dances in high school. i remember the fundamentalist christian best friend admonishing me for watching MTV and knowing what songs were on there, but she went to prom…twice, maybe. for sure she went to our junior prom. i think with brad kremski.
and i never went. i don’t know. i always had my eye on those fancy ass jessica mcclintock gunne sax (hell yeah, i grew up in the ’80s, baby!) dresses. so it was probably a really good thing i never went. we couldn’t have afforded that shit. as per usual, i had fucking champagne tastes from the get go. who knows, maybe my grandpa swanto would have swung for one. you never knew with him.
but no one was asking me. and i never went. i went to one spring formal freshman year of college with my first boyfriend. he wore a tux, i wore a borrowed dress. someone did my hair and makeup and it was fancy. that was that…until this year when i got dressed up in a badly fitting dress and my next first boyfriend got in a tux and we went to this wedding this summer. neither one wanted to dance.
i don’t know. i have this idea of me in some great dress, dancing the night away. i always believe that i was a queen in a past life and i wore great dresses and fancy clothes and wonderful shoes and we had great balls and dinners and dances. and i loved to dance. i was a nice queen and wasn’t mean. but, we danced.
and now, i still have the taste for those things and materials and stones and dances. i’m a good host. but, for whatever reason, this time around, i’m not meant to live that life. maybe i wasn’t mean, but i wasn’t humble or something. and so it goes.
anyway, i didn’t go to any proms. i guess i had enough proms a few lives ago. it’s funny though, cause everyone i hear talk about their prom never has anything good to say about it. and it’s not sour grapes. i always listen. i’m like…okay. where’s the fairytale??? where’s the cinderella story? and there’s never one. it’s strange. i think it’s like how a movie gets hyped up or a great meal. at least that’s how it is for me. i get all caught up in the destination rather than the journey. in the idea, rather than the reality. in the anticipation, rather than the moment.
i’m trying to let go of moments and let other moments come in. let go of my past and be open to the future. second by second, sometimes. i’m trying. it’s all new to me. it’s about change, though. and change comes through action, not thinking.