another month has passed with no blog post. i don’t know what’s what. my meds are off-kilter, i’m depressed, i guess. but i have a couple of friends who i help with manic-depression/mental illness issues. so, i know it’s all for something. i know all the darkness gets turned into light somehow.
there are so many actions i need to take in so many areas of my life; but i seem powerless to do anything about any of them. i know that it’s not true. i’m not powerless. but it feels that way. i feel castrated, impotent. paralyzed and handcuffed. by mental and physical barriers, seen and unseen. mostly, unseen and unknown.
i know i have to start manifesting differently. i’ve been reading ‘conversations with god,’ and talking about a lot of different spiritual stuff with a couple of my friends lately. it’s good to bounce ideas off of them and get inspired by them by hearing and re-hearing things i already know. even just being given courage to let go of physical things — books, clothes, things i don’t need to hang on to — is good work.
it’s hard. my mind, my ego, the louder voice running around inside my head all of the time seems to think it’s the truth and seems to put itself out there as the THING THAT IS REAL. it’s done this for so long that it’s hard to remember that there’s a still, small, surer voice inside of me that knows that the mind is a tool to be used and that its output isn’t reality, it’s just masquerading as such.
choose to be happy. choose to be well. choose to be positive. choose to feel love. i don’t have to think that what i hear all day in my head is real; i can know that working from a place of love is the way to go.
and i just get here and i think, “don’t even post this. you sound silly.”
and i just went to save draft, and i can’t find the option, because i decided to be lazy and write this in the new pop-out post thing-y they’ve added. so, whatever. it’s 3 a.m. i’ve rambled about much worse and much weirder on this blog.