i am wandering in a weird spiritual limbo right now. everything is crystal blurry. it is the winter of my discontent. it is the winter of my gratitude. it is the winter of my frustration. it is the winter of my resignation. it is the winter of my fear. it is the winter of my hope. it is the winter of my inspiration. it is the winter of my curiosity. it is the winter of my faith.
victims don’t stay sober.
i keep walking around in this surreal chain of watching people and thinking “if you keep doing that, you’re going to die.” and then i look at my life and i think, “if i don’t change, i’m just going to eventually die and not know it.” i see people who want people to fix everything for them and can’t figure out why the world just isn’t stepping up to the plate. and i look around and wonder why no one ever calls me. why people i thought were my friends really aren’t my friends at all. why they say one thing and do another. i look over at people and pity them because they can’t see how they are being taken care of. and i listen to myself complain about how i just can’t ever get anyone to listen to me about this or take care of that.
it’s bizarre. i’ve been also stuck between this place of listening to a lot of old-timers in coffee club talk about the old days (these people have 32, 45, 53 years type of sobriety) when people were given a certain type of direction. when the program wasn’t as watered down. when people weren’t afraid to hurt people’s feelings a little. and i’ve been identifying with that a little. feeling like there’s a bunch of “kids” in coffee club who don’t know to act anymore. like they don’t know how to listen or sit down or come in on time or just respect the program. or how to be involved. and then, i’m pissed off because i think my friend doesn’t really want to give me the time of day because i’m not working the kind of program she wants me to be working. because i’m not doing it the way she thinks it should be done. so, i become the friend of convenience. even while i judge others who are doing it “wrong,” too.
see? it’s a rock and a hard place. i think it’s why i’m so humbled this anniversary. instead of 10, it feels like _0 again. i just realize how blessed i am to be alive and sober and still around the rooms. still open to being taught and open to new experiences and open to what god has in store for me. i just know i have so, so much more to learn. i just don’t know anything and i hope that god is gentle with me and continues to help me as i struggle with my ego and wanting so desperately to be right.
the gentleman who spoke tonight said that when he came in, a woman told him his ‘ideas were like cement: well-mixed and firmly set.” i feel like that. i feel like they are like new cement these days. they can be changed easier than when i came in. they’re open for molding. but i’m still hard-headed. i still struggle not to be the one in charge, the one who has to be in first.
i feel like i’m on high heat, tumble dry these days. i just want the world to stop spinning and to have some peace. it’ll happen. i just need to get on the same page as god.