here’s what’s sad. if i have a deadline or a class or something like that, i seem to be able to create things. if i have a carrot. will i get a grade? will people look at me? will i get a pat on the back? i don’t know. i have a book to write, damnit. i have a lot of things to write and do, damnit. but because they will only be something that will be to my benefit, i seem to not be able to get them done. i’ve had so much encouragement and help throughout the years, too. all of you seem to believe in me, you know?
anyway, i’m going to try and write a little each day. again. i think part of the problem is now i’m stuck between the rock and the hard place of being unemployed and not wanting to write here because i’m so scared that people will find this on their social media search of me and find out what a terrible, horrible, fucked up person i am — but guess what? unless i take it all down, it’s here. all 7 years of it. i don’t know, you know? unless i can come here and write honestly and openly, i can’t write here. that’s the thing this has always been for me: a real outlet. me being me.
and that’s the thing that i’m afraid no one wants. i don’t know what to be anymore. i feel like i’m too real for people. too crazy for some. too lazy for others. too weird. i don’t know. i really, really don’t. i don’t have enough experience for some people. i’m not good enough. or is this is my constant inner dialogue manifesting in my outer world?
i don’t know. i know there are some external circumstances that i’m running around internally — i have to see a dermatologist. there’s some things i think i’m legitimately concerned about. but i don’t have a lick of insurance. i’m trying to figure it out. applied for charity care at one hospital. don’t feel like i got great care at the one free clinic i had been going to, so do i give them another chance with something that could potentially be this big? but do i wait any much longer?
i feel like i cannot BREATHE. waiting to exhale isn’t even coming close to what it is. i’ve talked about a mattress of grief before, but this is just like the summer of my madness. or summer of misery. or summer of loneliness. redux. this is the summer of 2001 and 2005 turned 2011. sad and lonely. dry and crazy (2001) and heartache (2005). yeah, i said it.
it’s so different, though. it’s not as passionate and terrible as it was that year. thank god for that, at least. in fact, as i was contemplating things, i realized that the object of my sob story moved away in *november* and i haven’t seen him since. in fact, it might have been longer, since i think i was mad about something before that. most of a year i haven’t seen his face. so, it’s not the bone crushing yearning of 2005. it’s more the ‘gosh i wish things were different and boy i wish he was different and man that’s stupidly selfish and it’d be nice to see him and i wonder what tv shows he’s watching and man that’s shallow and imisshimimisshimimisshim.”
yeah, it’s silly. it’s all silly. stupid and silly. i did tell the universe i’d go without internet for a year if i could somehow magically instantly lose 60 pounds (and be healthy — not have some bone wasting disease or something). i don’t know who to really make these bets/deals with, but i’d totally just have phone and text (not even internet on my phone), if that could go down. swearsies.
attention span of a newborn, hey? yeah, i’ll admit if i could get with a real psychiatrist that could monitor me exclusively and closely, i’d be up for getting back on some non-stimulant ADD meds. cause i saw at my brief run at my last job that this shit is for real, yo. i worked every moment of that job from the moment i walked in the door to the moment i left, and i struggled with my ADD hardcore. it wasn’t that i didn’t like my job or that i was on facebook or anything. i just struggled with some actual, straight-up ADD shit. and it’s way worse being on my own, at home, no structure. but if that was some sort of taunt to get me to write, well, i guess you got your wish.
but most of the time, i’m dicking around on the internet while my (sub)conscious is rotating between “how in the fuck am i going to get the bills paid? we owe a lot of money.” to “do i have skin cancer? i’m not joking, there’s some things i’m concerned about. how am i going to get this legit checked out?” “my manic-depression isn’t 100% on the level right now. that’s not good. oh well.” “i wish i didn’t send that email.” “i need to get some shit for CHIRP done.” “i need to get some shit for coffee club done.” “i need to get a job. i wish my resume was better. i wish i had more experience. i wish i knew how to remedy any of that.” “i hope flan is okay. she seems a little odd. is she okay? i hope she is okay.” “i am not getting what i need to get done.” “i should get out of the house. i should take a walk.” “did i eat? am i hungry? what should i eat?” “i wish i had money for a movie/that concert.” “i want to move. i can’t. i don’t have a job.” “i want to be able to go to great america with my niece/nephew. i can’t. i don’t have a job.” “i need to organize/clean.” “i need to write.” “i am fat. i am fat. i am fat. i am fat.” “i am a failure.” “i wish i had a car.” “i need to check on my application for charity care/meds/food/something else/whatever.” “i need new clothes that i fit into. but i can’t afford any. i don’t have a job.” “if i get a job where i need nice clothes, what then?” “will i ever finish college? will it be worth it, even?” “do my friends all hate me? are they sick of me?” “why can’t i work on stepwork? am i constitutionally incapable?” “should i move back home to my parents’ house and just give up?”
yep. that’s what it looks like. those aren’t constant. but those are the themes this summer. welcome back to the blog, everyone! here i am, then. i guess i’ll go back to what i know, the truth, jobs be damned, since they’re not knocking on my door. oh, and i bought some of those sketchers shape-ups, and they fucking work! i mean, i’m not all toned and shit yet (man, it’s 12:36 am and still 80 out!), but every time i wear them, i can feel them. they’re no joke! i suppose it wouldn’t hurt to take a walk right now. what i really, really want to do is take a drive. a long, long drive. i’ve been yearning for that for awhile. i just know it would soothe my soul a little to get out there.