the rapture, the rapture

so, everyone’s been hailing 2012 as “the end of the world” according to the mayan calendar. something about how they have this amazeballs detailed/accurate calendar and then … it just stops. but all of a sudden, people came out of nowhere this week with this stuff about tomorrow being “the rapture.” (isn’t that some band, too?)

okay, folks. i know a wee (and i DO mean wee) bit about this, having hung out with a fundamentalist christian in high school for four years. (hung out = BFF. fundamentalist = putting the fun AND mental in christian, right?) so, as i was taught (indoctrinated?), the rapture was all about a very small amount of chosen believers (something around 100K) that would be raptured away upon the second coming of christ. literally sucked up into the air to meet jesus, disappearing from wherever they were at the time … driving, teaching, working, flying, whatever. there were people at my friend’s church that had bumperstickers that said “warning: this car will be driverless upon rapture” or something like that.

on facebook, people keep saying that everyone else is going to be left to “die in a fiery inferno.” but that was never what they told me. instead, we were all going to be left to live out “the tribulation,” seven long years of toil and trouble and the worst stuff imaginable. when the antichrist would rule shit. wars, natural disasters, crazy new world order, cashless society, mark of the beast … basically all the stuff that’s been happening and seems like it’s going to continue to happen already.

seriously, if i really took anything away from that period, it was sort of a low level paranoia about ‘end-times’ shit. you’re not going to be putting a chip in me, thanks. QR codes creep me out for reasons i can’t quite explain. national ID … no way. they always said those sorts of things were going to be mark of the beast shit … it wasn’t going to be some 666 blazoned on your forehead, it was going to be some sort of thing that everyone was going to have to acquiece to or they would have their bank, money, access to food, etc. turned off. unfortunately, that sort of scenario seems way more plausible to me somehow than being wigged out about 100,000 people being whisked away to meet jesus. but i’ve always been 1. slightly paranoid and 2. a minor (?) conspiracy theorist. I DIGRESS.

so, a couple of things come to mind. first of all, i also think the bible and jesus himself comes out and says no one knows when he’s going to come. so, who are all these people thinking they know better than the son of god, ey? (1)

the other thing that happened today just illustrates (in my mind) how funny my friends are. seriously. i actually sat and wrote down what they were saying so i wouldn’t forget. i’m sure OTHER people are sitting around and making these jokes, too, but they were just non-stop, one after another, and i just couldn’t help but think, even if it all goes to shit tomorrow, i’m glad i have friends who are so quick and funny.

on the rapture:

“well, at least there’ll be more jobs.”
“yeah, and there will be cars and houses. i’m gonna have a car and a house!”
“if all the republicans leave we can seize their assets and pay down the deficit!”
“1. if our landlord goes, we are getting a fireman pole!! 2. she lives upstairs? 1. yeah, but i think our downstairs neighbor is jewish, so he’s probably not going with.”

if nothing else, humor in these dreary days is essential, i think. and i’ve got people who can help out with that. yeah.

(1) Matthew 25:1-13

Matthew 25
The Parable of the Ten Virgins
1 “At that time the kingdom of heaven will be like ten virgins who took their lamps and went out to meet the bridegroom. 2 Five of them were foolish and five were wise. 3 The foolish ones took their lamps but did not take any oil with them. 4 The wise ones, however, took oil in jars along with their lamps. 5 The bridegroom was a long time in coming, and they all became drowsy and fell asleep. 6 “At midnight the cry rang out: ‘Here’s the bridegroom! Come out to meet him!’ 7 “Then all the virgins woke up and trimmed their lamps. 8 The foolish ones said to the wise, ‘Give us some of your oil; our lamps are going out.’ 9 “‘No,’ they replied, ‘there may not be enough for both us and you. Instead, go to those who sell oil and buy some for yourselves.’
10 “But while they were on their way to buy the oil, the bridegroom arrived. The virgins who were ready went in with him to the wedding banquet. And the door was shut. 11 “Later the others also came. ‘Lord, Lord,’ they said, ‘open the door for us!’ 12 “But he replied, ‘Truly I tell you, I don’t know you.’ 13 “Therefore keep watch, because you do not know the day or the hour.

Matthew 25 also goes on to talk about the judgment day and the master talking to the people about how what “they have done to the least of them they have done to him.” And in that are specifically named these things: ” 34 “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. 35 For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36 I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’ ” Better watch all those budget cuts. Universal healthcare is looking pretty good now, right?


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