i’m in fear. i was going to say that i feel like i’m in fear, but that’s feeling fear. i’m in fear. it’s pretty bad, i guess, because i’m getting that mattress on my chest/can’t breathe sort of thing. i don’t really know it, but i’m walking around exhaling a lot, so i guess that means i’m either holding my breath or just having a hard time catching one. either way, it’s not a good feeling.

i finally figured out that i should take all my meditation books and bring them into the bathroom. even though i’m not some 20 minute shitter, it only takes a minute or two to grab one and get a great time out and something to take with me … or, i should really be honest and stay something to remember right then. i realize that my “working memory” isn’t very good. my short-term memory is for shit. i don’t know if it’s a fucked up thyroid or B12 deficiency or something else, but i’ve realized that for all my great memory(1), there’s something going on there(2). but it works in the moment, and it’s strange to know that the emmet fox book i was given in my first month sober has come around to be my favorite. i hated that fucker.

emmet fox talks about a lot of the spiritual principles/laws of the universe so matter-of-factly. he was big in the unity church, and so was my grandma, so a lot of the books i inherited from her are from him and the people he rolled with.

anyway, one of the books i just grabbed and put in there is from a new ager called SARK. the meditation talked about treehugging. literally. and i’ve always loved the energy i’ve gotten from trees. i don’t get a chance or give myself the opportunity to hug them enough, though. i guess it’s hard for me to give myself the permission to break that norm, i guess. but if you’ve ever gotten the chance and really let yourself go to the experience, i bet you’ve found that it’s really quite incredible. you can literally feel the tree hum with good vibes. it’s one of the reasons it makes me sad to know that so many trees are wasted at christmas time. don’t misunderstand me — growing up, we had (and my parents still do have) a real, live christmas tree every year, and it was a ritual we looked forward to as a family — going out, picking the tree, and coming home to decorate it together.

but now, particularly when i see the tree corpses after the holiday season, i can’t help but think about the trees that were needlessly sacrificed when a really well-made artificial tree would have served the same purpose. they are living things with their own energies and it seems such a waste to end their lives for a cosmetic purpose.

so. i don’t know. send me good thoughts for this and for that and for this and for that. i really appreciate it.

(1) i have an amazing memory in some respects. like idiot savant shit. i can sort through 500 pieces of mail and remember two duplicates. i can remember a shit ton of names when i first meet people and then i’ll remember that face and name (eventually after a few machinations) on a train three years later. it’s weird.

(2) the book i like to read from says that when the spiritual is straightened out, we straighten out mentally and physically, too. i’m sure that has a lot to do with it. i bet if i just finished my stupid ass step work, maybe a lot would fix itself. i don’t know why i won’t do it. i could speculate, but in the meanwhile, i’m just drowning in a sea with a bag of cement around my neck. for now, there’s some things that serve as treading water, and the fact that i’ve learned how to be a very strong swimmer, but i’m terrified that eventually, i’ll just drown. stupid to say that and then keep staying out in the deep end. the tan man is probably going to cut me to the quick.


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