that’s what the spons asked me last night. and my friend, JK, had just asked me the night before about what “god’s will” was. and he’s got this interesting riff about “god’s will.” that everything is god’s will. it’s just our reaction/interpretation of it that is our will. sometimes i understand that and sometimes, i don’t. i think it goes something like this. i have a shit day/week/year … it’s happening for a reason (= “god’s will,” if you will). so. do i lay around on the couch, feeling sorry for myself (my will)? or do i get up and take some action? do i find out what this has in store for me? do i make something of this?
like … writing a book and making art and all of that? i guess that’s what i’m supposed to be doing. writing. i just don’t know how to do that every day. i don’t know how to have structure. i’m AWFUL without structure, let’s face it. not to mention, unemployment isn’t going to last forever. i need to ask for help/guidance/direction. if god is leading me here to do something (writing), then s/he’s got to have a solution for all of this. so i can earn money, have a decent structure, AND write. okay. i’m going to get up for now and start some laundry and try to get some of my own stuff organized. i have a lot stuff and not enough space.
thing is, i feel like i don’t have enough of the *right* stuff. i go to get dressed sometimes, and i’m like … i don’t have sweaters. i don’t have good skirts. i don’t have nice pants. i don’t know. i gained too much weight and i keep believing i’m going to lose it. that’s the other thing i feel is essential — i need to get out of the house at least once a day — before going out at night to go to a meeting, if i make it out for that. and THAT should be non-negotiable. but it’s becoming more and more negotiable. which is not good. i’ve seen over and over what happens to people who start to let meetings slide. soon, they’re sliding into a bottle.
anyway … time to get up and get into action right now. that’s the one thing i *do* like about cleaning houses. first of all, it’s not my stuff — i have no emotional attachment to it. it’s why i especially like if someone hires me to do organizing and stuff. it’s easy for me to see how things should go, what can be gotten rid of, how things are inefficient, etc. it’s NOT MY STUFF. i have none of the bullshit emotions, memories, hang-ups about it that i do about my own stuff. it’s really fascinating/heartwrenching for me to watch shows like “hoarders” and “clean house” because while their situations are more ridiculous than mine and i also have no emotions attached to *their* obvious junk, i TOTALLY understand their pain/anxiety/freakouts about getting rid of stuff. honestly, some of the show makes ME anxious and panicky. like really? you’re making them get rid of THAT? wow.
i digress. so, it’s easy for me to do it for other people. the other thing is, a lot of time i don’t have any music or anything. i don’t have it or i don’t turn it on or anything. so it’s just me and some cleaning and my own head for hours. it definitely becomes an unintended source of meditation. i start thinking about things that are bothering me or that i’m stuck on or things i have to do. i start to get clarity around some things; i get answers i didn’t know i needed. i get ideas for blog posts, i get all sorts of things running there. it’s definitely a moving meditation. it’s good. i should carry pen and pencil for that part. i even get ideas for the people whose house i’m cleaning. not to mention, i’m moving around, which is also good — a body in motion tends to stay in motion, right?
oh yeah, that. apparently, it’s not wise to mention inertia on your friends’ facebook pages. i guess it’s rude or something. ciao.