let’s keep this trend going

so, i guess i’ve been writing here again. i’m going to try and keep it up. the blog is 6 years old, and i’ve never intended to let it go completely fallow or anything. but it’s definitely had its highs and lows. i guess i just went through a low. i definitely know one of the things that has kept me going in the past is just making myself write stuff every day, regardless of how i felt about writing or how i felt about what i wrote. just making myself type words, even if they seemed so terribly banal and boring. i feel like you guys can take what you need and leave the rest. no one is making you pay for this.

it seems that flan is okay. she didn’t lose near as much weight as i thought she did. my vet’s office is very, very cool about my being worried about her and encourages me to come in and have her weight checked and stuff. what they don’t realize is that i wait until i think it’s absolutely necessary to have her come in because she HATES going in her carrier and going to the vet. it’s just gotten progressively worse. but it was just time for me to have my worries relieved, because it was getting to the point where i wasn’t even sure if i was doing the right thing by her and i couldn’t tell because i knew i had absolutely NO objectivity in the matter anymore.

i’m now back on the … things are fine, she’s just old and slowing down and someday i’ll have to face the decision but it just isn’t today. she’s eating and purring and moving around just fine. it’s good. i’ll know. i just love her SO much that i definitely want my selfishness of loving to have her to be less than the unconditional love i have to never, ever want her to suffer. i’m always trying to figure out that unknowable equation. i’m always trying to math it out. it’s so, so hard. the variables are ridiculous, and i always sucked at algebra and trig.

in other depressing news, i don’t know how to be a friend among friends. i don’t know how to let people live their own lives, so i invest too much of myself in their lives, and i want to see them succeed and not be in pain and i want to do this and be that and all of this. i think that i’m being completely altruistic, but at the end of the day, i want someone to be there for me and i want someone to show up for me and i want my friends to be as equally loyal as i think i am to them. it’s a fucking mess, really.

the thing is this: i really *am* loyal to my friends. i really *do* show up for them. i really *am* the person you can call at 3 in the morning. but with or without my conscious intent, there’s always some sort of secret, silent notebook written. and i don’t even know it. i’m not upset to do those things at the time. but i’m always horribly, terribly disappointed when people can’t reciprocate the way that i feel they should. i’m always angry when people can’t be the kind of friends that i want them to be. i have no way to discern these things. i have no way to know when these concepts will raise their ugly heads, until they do and i’m bitter and resentful and upset and ruining friendships because i demand that people act and think and talk and behave the way that i want them to.

and then i’m left with even more nothing than i was before i thought my friends weren’t doing enough. it’s a trap i’ve fallen into too many times. it leaves me brokenhearted in the worst of ways … wondering if i’m ever supposed to know how to be friends with people or if i’ll ever know to be in true partnership with my friends and not depend on them too much or try to dominate them too much. always stuck somewhere in this or that, never seeming to find a happy middle ground. the story of my life.

i don’t know what i’m even writing anymore. i’m tired. it’s time for bed.

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2 thoughts on “let’s keep this trend going

  1. Gosh, what you wrote about friends/friendships really resonated with me. I turned 32 this week and I thought by time I hit my 30’s I’d be mature/aware/independent enough to not keep enabling the same vicious cycle that my friendships always end up being. I don’t feel that its too much to expect friends to be respectful and caring. But in my experience, I always seem to come out on bottom. Other things and people are always a higher priority. I invest my time and energy and love only to find in the end I served my purpose and the friendship has “run its course”. Maybe I’m too needy. Who knows. Each time it happens I think I’ve learned from the experience, but then it happens again. And again and I never see it coming. It saddens me.

  2. The work is not in what you want/need from others but what you want/ need from yourself. Be a friend to yourself and others will see that and want to be around it. Not the easiest thing in the world to do – but it’s something we all need to do every day.

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