flan is very small. i feel like it’s when you are around someone who is sick and you don’t notice them getting thinner by the day and someone else walks in and they can’t help but cringe and then all of a sudden your vision widens and you see them for what they really are — a slowly wizening skeleton of a person. i feel like the fact that she has fairly fluffy underfur has potentially hidden her shrinking from me for awhile. i’ve had inklings, but in the last few days, i’ve been struck by how small she is. i can feel every bone; her slight shoulders, her little spine.
my grandma was ready to go long before she died. she was 80 some pounds and literally skin and bones. the difference is that my grandma could come right out and say that and to the other end, we couldn’t really do anything to help the process along. conversely, flan can’t expressly tell me if she is happy to keep going on the way things are; she sure has a lot of purrs when she lays on me — which is as much as she can when she is not sleeping the rest of the days away. to the other end, if i feel that she is suffering needlessly, i can actually do something to ease her pain permanently.
it’s fucking nervewracking. i have had her going on 16 years — in october, it will be 16. 16 fucking years. i’m not looking for a reason to kill her. i’m looking for every reason to keep her alive. but i am trying to let my love for her; my unending, unconditional love for her outweigh every selfish instinct i have to keep her alive as long as i possibly can. i’m not rich, so that’s not even going to be as long as *humanly* possible. i just want her to be happy and comfortable and i just want to do. the. right. thing.
i already feel like i’m so selfish in my friendships — that i demand that people do and act and be certain ways or i can’t have them in my life. that i can’t be around them or that i don’t know how to act. and i feel like i’m losing people, i’m losing things everywhere. i have to have dignity someplace, and this is the one place i feel like i need to know how to show up. i need to be a good mother and a good person and a good steward and i need to know how to show up and know when to let go.
it’s one of the things i’m worst at. but for her, i’ll try to be at my very best when i need to be.