dancing the fat away

i’m worried.  i said i’d do this bootcamp thing and blog about it.  as i was dancing my ever living ass off to LCD soundsystem tonight, i thought “i’ll just put on LCD soundsystem for an hour every day and that’s how i’ll exercise.”  why oh why did i say i’d do that bootcamp? i’m terrified.

i’m scared that i will want to throw up. i’m scared that i will be the person in the worst shape. i’m scared that i will be the one who does terribly. i’m scared that i will look fat and stupid.  i’m scared that it will be the worst combination of ‘celebrity fit club’ and every year of gym i ever took.  and why am i doing this again?

i’m not exactly sure.  because it’s free, i guess? is that what it’s come to? i’m such a sucker for free shit, that i’m willing to put myself through physical and mental anguish? no, it’s because i’m sick of thinking i’m fat and hating the way i look. but the other danger here is expecting a miracle.  i am in a terrible place of fearing taking the action and being sick of what happens when i don’t.

sounds fairly familiar, i guess … sick and tired of being sick and tired.  but in order to give up drugs and alcohol, i didn’t have to do lunges or have someone over me.  i just hope this is inspiring and not demeaning.  i don’t know. i figure it’s got to be, or only masochists would go back.  we’ll see.

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