randoms, randoms, summer randoms

so much going on.  i guess it’s been a minute since i’ve been here.

first of all, i was with some friends the other day, and my friend K was giving my friend I some shit about his hair being so blond in the summer — sort of joking about whether or not he dyed it or whatever.  and it was going on for a little bit and the thing was, all i could think about was how I and my friend, mike, used to run around all summer — sailing and being on the beach and chasing girls.  of course his hair was blonder.  that’s just what I does in the summer. he’s tan and blond and preppy. that’s who and what he is. only he should have mike with him.  but he doesn’t and he never will again.  and it just broke my heart. and finally they included me in the discussion and K was trying to get me to kind of joke along and i just blurted that all out. i just blurted it all out, about how i was thinking about I and mike and how they used to run around together in the summer and be tan and blond and how that’s what i was thinking about and how i knew that of course his hair was blonder in the summer because that’s how it always was. and i know i was a big “debbie downer, ” but i just couldn’t help it. and i just couldn’t help but to wonder when i am going to stop being sad about mike. about how pointless it all is … to have died from alcoholism and addiction when he knew what the solution was.  when he had so many friends who loved him. i just find that particularly heartbreaking, even though i know that’s just how it works. it doesn’t discriminate between people who have 500 friends and people who have none. it doesn’t discriminate by race or socioeconomic background or religious affiliation or anything. it just keeps marching on, taking down anyone that it gets its hands on. it just is what it is.

and i think about my friend who called me last night to tell me that her brother had a psychotic break and is in the hospital. and i how i was feeling for her and her family (her parents, especially, who are older), but how hopeful i was for him.  how i know that he’s in a safe place and that he has a wonderful chance for a full recovery.  i was feeling so grateful for all the years i’ve had to recover from a hopeless state of mind and body and to have gained so many insightful experiences along the way.  to have had gone through so many ways of being my own guinea pig and to have those experiences to share with others who may benefit from them.  i offered to go out and be with them, but it turns out i’m not really wanted right now.  there’s a part of me that’s feeling rejected, because i’m ultra sensitive like any good alcoholic, but i have to remember that it’s not about me.  i only hope that if and when the time comes that my knowledge and expertise in these matters can be of use, that my friend can feel like she can reach out to me. one of things that i need to make a concerted effort to start working for is eliminating the stigma that goes with mental illness.  it’s hard, because so much of it is embedded in our everyday culture.  but i need to start making that a priority in my life.

i’m worried for flan. i think she may truly be slowing down. i feel like i’m reaching a point where i need to be starting to watch for signs that she is ready to go. and i need to be readying myself for the inevitable — she’s just not going to live forever. i need to be able to let go of her when it’s time — and i want that time to be before she’s too sickly or too much in pain or in an effort to get around.  but, i don’t want to cut her life short because it’s too much pain for me to make a decision, so i just do it so i don’t have to think about it anymore. that’s not right, either.

i’m torn. i just want her to be happy and healthy and whole, and if she’s not most of those, i want her to be comfortable and safe. it’s not going to be easy, that’s for sure. and it’s going to be a whole lot of sad to not have her.  dear god, so sad.  i’ve had her for nearly 16 years. that’s tremendous.

i just need to have gratitude for all the time/s we’ve had together.

anyway, i need to be up early tomorrow, so i suppose it’s bed for me.


One thought on “randoms, randoms, summer randoms

  1. Grief is sticky, and the irritating/infuriating thing about it is that it can be dormant for a while and then smack you up-side the head in the most unsuspecting ways. Jack’s been dead six months next week — not as long as Mike, but he still didn’t die just yesterday, and there are days I still can’t even breathe when I think about it. And, like Mike, he had SO many friends and was so, so loved… and yet alcoholism took him away from all of us. I don’t understand it, but I do have to live with it. It’s good that you’re talking to people about it, even if it means blurting things out… I have to work on that myself.

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