what’s the use in holding back here? i don’t know. always that dilemma. a 6 year anniversary here tomorrow, i think, and i’m still going roundabout with that. for god’s sake.
but seriously, what’s the use? i’m so over everyone. i’m so disgusted about everything. i’m looking at all the people i ever was close to and i’m seeing how far away from them i am and i’m just thinking, “what’s the use? why do i even bother?” i get so emotionally invested in people and situations and at the end of the day, they walk away and that’s that. (insert hand wiping motion here.)
i’m left to feel crazy and curious and the one wanting a camera so i can break the fourth wall and say, “are you seeing this? are you hearing this? am i the only one who thinks this is completely insane?” it makes my head hurt. it makes me sit on the train and think about it and my brow is furrowed and my eyes are squinted up, just like they are now. because it’s too painful for me to think about, but it’s all i can keep thinking about.
it literally makes it hurt to think. i know i’m being all self-pity and poor me and boo fucking hoo. i haven’t found the thing to pull me out of it. i used to give people a piece of my mind. here — TAKE THIS. i used to give them this piece, because it just was like a piece of rock in my shoe, oh but wait, is that glass? it was so painful that i had to be rid of it and i was certain it was their fault that it was there in the first place, that i was more than willing to give it right back to them.
but now, i’m not allowed to do that. it’s just not acceptable anymore. but it’s like i don’t know what to do. i ignore the glass for awhile, and then .. ack. there it is again. and i feel it gets worse because people who i think could help me see me coming, walking with a limp, and they say, ‘no. we can’t deal with deformity now. we only have time for the able-bodied.’ and they see me coming and they duck down the alley. or they stop and talk for a second and make an excuse and walk the other way.
it makes me want to sleep. or go to the movies. or sleep. or watch reality tv. or sleep. a very, very small voice in my head says a drink would be nice. i know that’s a lie, but i get why it says that. it makes sense on a very basic level. i’m dying here. what’s the use?