unless of course, i’m going on an interview. the first is an adage picked up in recovery circles. it doesn’t matter what people think of me/you. we can’t please everyone. we can’t obsess about other’s perception of us, especially since *my* perception is faulty and i’m much more likely to make up some crazy ass thing they’re thinking about me and then act out on that lie. even if someone doesn’t like me, there is a good chance their resentment could lie in their own faulty perception or baggage they bring to the table. in essence, if i am keeping my side of the street clean, i just can’t worry about other people’s insides. i just need to worry about my actions, which is all i can control.
but, when i’m interviewing, i can’t lie to you — i DO wonder what they think of me. i feel like i’m a notoriously bad interviewer. i don’t know if that is the truth or not, but i feel like i end up nervous and weird and too talking with my hands and end up looking like a jackass. i can’t be sure, but i just never feel like things end up going well. i never feel like i’ve connected or shown my true self or best side. i just. don’t. know. the person people find a good listener or funny or kind or whatever it is people seem to like about me never feels like it shows up or is genuine or comes through.
so, i did what i needed to do. i dressed up, i showed up, i brought copies of my resume. i kept my side of the street clean. now, i guess what other people think of me now becomes none of my business. i guess.