“the perfect job and financial abundance are headed my way.” this is a mantra i am starting to repeat to myself in the effort to believe it. so that i create such a thing around me. so that i can live ‘in-spirit,” as wayne dyer would say. i want to live in the place that is good and surrounded by the creative intelligence i believe created me and is infusing every moment and everything. somewhere, i believe this. i was going to say “at my core,” but sometimes i think my core and my subconscious and my cerebral cortex take turns believing this and believing that i don’t deserve this and just not giving a royal fuck what happens.
i’ve had a run of rotten luck the last couple of days. most recently, i left my phone on a CTA train. while i normally have pretty great luck with these things (e.g., losing wallets and having them returned by honest people who want nothing from me), this time it was found by someone who wanted money and called my friend who called my phone to see if it was on/someone would answer. they called him at 6:30 a.m. (when i was having a dream that my phone was found and that i was at same friend’s house) and asked him for “a reward.” he offered $20, they immediately started haggling.
i have to wonder — was it worth it, creep? you’ve got nothing now. i hope you can fence that blackberry, because now you’ve got no cash in hand, at least not from me. it’s a dilemma from *my* end, though, because the insurance that i’ve been paying on the account, always sort of feeling secure that if something like this DID ever happen, now leaves me short — instead of a $50 deductible, it changed to a $100 for phones like mine. oh. i guess i would have rather paid the $40. but not at the price of a sketchy, shady, weird-ass deal, i guess.
i don’t know. i have another phone that i just had them re-activate, which cuts mr. shady mcshaderson out completely, as i guess he was answering my phone. so now i really have no way to get a hold of him even if i wanted to. but now i have to decide if i want to pay $100 to get another blackberry. it’s infuriating, because i was told at the time i decided to get insurance that it was a $50 deductible. clearly, that’s not the case and i wonder how many months i’ve spent throwing money down the toilet if i’m not going to use the insurance when i need it.
on the other hand, don’t tell me it’s a $500 phone. it’s not. i got it from you for $50 with a $100 rebate when i signed another 2 year contract. it was TRULY a $500 phone, you wouldn’t do that kind of a deal, sprint. you don’t give that much of a flying fuck about me. they’re making these things *somewhere* in the world for about $50 — shit, probably $20 or even less. so don’t try and tell me it’s a $500 phone. go fuck yourself. iphones are selling for $100 now, and they’re way cooler than this thing.
i don’t know. i’m mad at myself. i can’t believe i left it. i know exactly what happened, too — cause i had it IN MY HAND seconds before. i’m just sick about it. i don’t have a job, so it’s not like i have $100 to throw around — not like i ever did. and it’s also embarrassing to realize how attached i am to the phone and the things i use it for everyday. i don’t know. i’m definitely liking being connected in a lot of ways, but i also see how i can be trapped by it, too.
all of this just shows one way how i feel i’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. take about 10 other situations and throw them in somewhere like this and i’m feeling pretty icky lately. i guess that’s just the way things go sometimes. good with bad.
i just wish it didn’t feel so lonely up in here.