tidying things up

you know why i never get anything accomplished when i try and clean up my living space, declutter, throw things out, try and make sense of all the stuff i have accumulated over 20 years of being out on my own?? because i get lost in a sea of the past, set adrift on memories, awash in old feelings, left to remember things and ruminate about all that has happened since then. what does it mean, what could it have been, why do things go the way they do, could they have changed, how do i work, when did things go bad or good or better or worse? i look around and see i’ve become more confused and discombobulated than this last season of LOST.

i just found a picture that i had forgotten existed. it’s probably the most intimate picture that’s ever been taken of me. i have all my clothes on. but it catches me in a moment of pure emotion, with no one else watching but the camera. it’s a moment only for two, and for all the hundreds of (thousands?) hours i’ve spent executing movie scenes in my head, nothing has come close to perfection as this picture. to my knowledge, no one else has seen this picture but me and the person who took it. who knows — maybe i was foolish and showed people at the very beginning after it had been shown to me. it was in another time and place, so i might have.

but i came across that picture when i was cleaning, and it stopped me dead in my tracks. i was completely taken aback. i didn’t even know what to think. there were so many questions swirling: who? where? what? when? why? how? any and all variations on those themes. many questions starting with those words. and so i came to blog, so i could get on with my cleaning. like playing a song that’s stuck in your head with the hopes that you’ll be rid of it.

i think i did the job.

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