i’m worried about the state of affairs

what i’m about to talk about, i mean without a whit of humor or sarcasm. i mean it from the bottom of my sincerest heart. i mean it without a trace of malice or condemnation, either, though. i just have observation and concern.

i had a bunch of people over to my house last night. there was a lot of talking and laughing and joking. my friends, as per usual, are very funny, smart cookies. toward the end of the evening, one of my friends was lamenting his current lack of internet and another was lamenting how difficult it was going to be for him to get home on public transportation at 3 a.m. somehow, both of these subjects got twisted and turned around into a joke conversation about what guys do at night, how often they masturbate, what porn they use, and how difficult it is to masturbate without the internet at your disposal.

it was right here that i was caught up in my tracks. seriously, all the other stuff didn’t faze me. i probably should be a little more disconcerted that as per usual, a group of guys didn’t flinch about talking about these things in front of me. truth be told, i don’t mind in that i like talking about sex and sexual things. i like being free and open and hearing people’s take on things. i like to get these things out in the open. much like racism, i think that these sorts of discussions would free up a lot of misconceptions and get rid of a lot of problems we have in society if men and women would talk about them more.

however, the part of me that should be or is a little put out is the fact that when guys even remotely consider someone attractive or a potential person of interest, they do NOT discuss masturbating to internet porn in front of them. and honestly, i guess i’m sick of occupying two roles with large groups of guys these days: 1. denmother and 2. one of the guys. i mean, i get something out of it. who doesn’t want to be needed and who doesn’t want to be one of the guys? there’s value in both, but at some point, it would be nice to be sexy or pretty or what-have-you. I FUCKING DIGRESS.

so. it was this idea that they were less likely to masturbate or that they would actually not masturbate or that it was essentially too. much. effort. to masturbate if they couldn’t just dial up some porn. now, i’ll say again — i’ve looked up porn on the computer in my lifetime. more than once. i’m not condemning the porn watching. but i’ll say this — really? young men in their early to mid 20s are now reliant on porn to get them aroused? i thought it used to be that a guy could basically get off anytime, anywhere if given the slightest opportunity to think of that crush, that old crush, that girl in class/a meeting/the grocery/you name it. and now they have to rely on porn.

this is disturbing for a lot of reasons, but i’ll head right over to feminism 101 for several of them. first of all, porn is NOT reality. not even close. by continuing to rely on these images and scenarios for their fantasy life, i think they’re setting themselves up when they are in real-life situations. not to mention … some of that stuff is okay in real-life, but a lot of it is fucking bullshit. it gets them off when they’re watching, but it gets THEM off. it’s made for men. it’s not made for women. i’m not saying *all* women don’t like everything in porn in the bedroom. but by and large, if you’re constantly watching anal porn, for instance … i can say pretty confidently that the majority of women are NOT going to be on the same page as you. period. and now you’ve got this fucking shit in your head that does NOT match up with reality. you’ve got a go-to fantasy life that doesn’t compute when you’re with a real life woman. and i’d think at some point, you’re gonna want to try out what’s in your head in real life. that’d be only natural, right?

secondly, a lot of porn is very objectifying. there’s shot upon shot upon shot of parts. objects. there’s obviously no plot. there’s no foreplay. there’s no warm-up. that’s not why you’re watching it. that’s not the point. if you’re set out to “clear the pipes,” it’s not like you need to see 25 minutes of people making out. but again, let’s take it back to real-life. a real woman isn’t going to want you getting to business in like 5 minutes. we want some time to enjoy things. get warmed up. i’m not discounting a good quickie. those are great — right place, right time. but for the most part, the idea that within minutes women want to be fucked like a jackhammer is absurd.

and not to rule out any one woman’s preponderance for freak, fetish or kink, but women are not begging to be fucked by more than one guy, find themselves taking baths in copious amounts of semen, or relishing having their heads forcefully thrust into some guy’s crotch. this isn’t news to anyone, is it? IS IT? and please tell me you all know that cunnilingus does not consist of approximately ten seconds of lapping at a woman like a dog before inserting something into her vagina. please tell me you know this.

speaking of which — every two or three years or so, there’s some meme that goes around about a list of things that a woman supposedly sent some guy about what we like and don’t like. tips, if you will, about going down on a woman or making love to a woman. i feel like it’s always supposed to be taken tongue in cheek or like it’s sort of met with rolling of eyes by guys like “who are these bitches trying to teach things to/how dare they?” but, the fact of the matter is, i’ve been with enough guys to know they have a lot of standard moves that just plain SUCK. i don’t know where they got them — if they’re from other guys or if they are inherent to men, but they are fucking awful.

to wit: i was watching a friend’s one-man improv show the other night. it was really well done and i was inspired by him. there was one scene where this guy was going down on a girl and kept popping up to talk about harry potter. he also kept whipping out all these toys to help things along, but they were things like a sword, a garlic press, a whisk. it was funny. but his pantomimed cunnilingus was both exaggeratedly hysterical and somewhat insightful. while i know it was meant to be funny, it was all too familiar. there were too many moves in there that i had been the recipient of too many times.

and i remarked to some friends the next day, “if that’s the way guys think they should go down on a girl, no WONDER it takes 30 minutes (i.e. too long for them/becomes exhausting/ergo they don’t ever want to do it).” my one friend was disarmed and then somewhat intrigued. while he didn’t want a blow by blow (no pun intended), he definitely wanted me to give some potential tips. i think he gave me 10 sentences. i gave about 5. (which again, your mileage may vary — everyone’s different. but even for blowjobs, there’s some pretty standard standards.)

slow down (slow in the beginning will save you a LOT of time later).
not so hard.
treat it like a kiss.
pay attention!

if i were to use more of my 10, i’d use:

don’t stay in one spot.
don’t treat it as a chore/enjoy it.


it just worries me that young men today are hung up on porn. to me, that should be an occasional thing. like chocolate mousse. it’s really good and can really be a fine end to a meal. something that you rarely have, but is a real treat. but it’s not something you can eat everyday. it’s way too rich. it’s way too dense. it’s way too much to process all the time. besides, if you ate it everyday, it would start to lose its meaning. chocolate mousse wouldn’t be special anymore and then it would be harder and harder to find a dessert that would satisfy that part of you that really found a good, rich chocolate sublime. it just wouldn’t be the same. it’s better to leave that for now and then. and it’s always better to share chocolate mousse than to eat it alone.


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