the pressure mounts … literally

so. i got laid off last week. a confluence of circumstances made it so the place i work/ed for just can’t afford me anymore. sigh. oh well. it’s funny that it happened right at the end of my taking billy pacholski’s “attracting abundance” class. i actually see it as a sign of good things to come. i see it as a way of moving from office work to creative work — toward writing and acting and film and freelancing and social media and web and all of that. i do.

the reality of the situation is that unemployment isn’t going to pay me very much a week at all. but, i do have several freelance things going and i do believe in abundance. and i believe that i have been and always will be taken care of. and there are little signs of that happening everywhere, constantly. so, i know i’m okay.

however, i went to have an annual exam for the first time in about four years. as part of the regular course of things, they take your blood pressure. i’ve always been a 120/70 girl, which i used to think was pretty normal, but now i understand isn’t all that great, but decently average. well, i had been pretty jacked up, talking, not really nervous, but i’m sure working my way up to a good case of white-coat hypertension anyway. she takes my blood pressure and it’s 120/90. for those of you not in the know, it’s actually the bottom number that’s the most worrisome.

well, she says we’ll do the exam and then take it afterward. i had also been drinking diet coke, blah blah. we do the exam, and i’m feeling kind of sleepy and mellow. she takes my blood pressure again and … it’s 130/100. oops. that’s not good. also not great, since i was contemplating going back on the pill to control a little bit of ovulatory acne i seem to have picked up in my later years here … and let’s face it, i’ve always had pretty flawless skin, so i’m fucking vain when it comes to that, i guess.

but, not looking good to go back on old-school hard core pills (i like my ortho 7-7-7) when my BP is all effed up. she asks me about exercise and diet. both of which are shitty and nonexistent. i guess the bottom i’ve been trying to hit with those may have arrived? i tell my boss she’s supposed to check my blood pressure so i can call them and let them know what it was. she does. same shit. 130/100. fuck. what the hell is up with that shit?

she asks me if i told them that i had just gotten laid off. it never occurs to me that it would even factor in, quite frankly. it’s one of those things that i really do think will take care of itself, but does have this funny way of being shoved down way to the back of my brain, where the lizard/fight-or-flight/survival brain lives. the one that’s constantly assessing any given situation, the one working to breathe, the one searching for unconscious clues, the one making sure i survive. maybe that part of me is revved up, going “this is live or die, kid. make sure you get this shit figured out. we need a place to live. it’s getting cold.”

i’ve told you about that, before, right? if the law of attraction is about drawing to you what you put out there, or the energies you focus on, then this little mindfuck is probably why i’m not rich. i often find myself looking over various spaces, inside and outside, and figuring out how i would manage to stay there if i were homeless. what i would do, what i would carry around. how i could scam or manage to hide out somewhere, especially if i could manage to look presentable. what trains i’d ride, what places i could get away with sleeping in, what nooks or crannies i could figure out and not get caught. i don’t know what my obsession with this is; i hope i never have to be homeless, unless i’m pulling some sort of walter jacobson or something. even then, it would be a wretched life lesson/object lesson.

needless to say, it’s a strange thing to always have it in the back of your mind that you might be homeless and should be contemplating ways to mitigate this situation. i don’t think most people even give such things a second thought. it’s not a testament to manageability, that’s for sure. and i’m sure it’s not great for the blood pressure. so, it’s look for work, try to eat better, and try to exercise. boy, that sounds like an old song. but at least losing my job had nothing to do with me. that’s nice.

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