bitter is not a good color on you

what the fuck happened to me? i truly have always been one of these people (rare, i always thought) who was pretty content in believing that love would come to me when it would. that ‘god had a plan for me.’ that since the days of dignity losing breakups, far from grace and aplomb, i was okay with being single and knowing it was better to be alone then to settle for less than i really deserved. i truly believed these things and i felt them in my heart.

have i really fell for this 35 thing? am i really in the middle of my own mid-life crisis? is it the constant onslaught of marriage and babies all around me? and again, the babies thing isn’t about the kids, it’s about the idea of the kids. the fact that it’s ‘not only are we married, but we’re REALLLLY married.’ not that i think my friends are getting married to get divorced, but i definitely think you up the ante a fuckload when you have kids.

and i don’t want to be the bitter old crone. and i feel like i totally was that tonight. two of my friends who are hopelessly in love, engaged, were talking to another friend, who has lived with her boyfriend for several years now. the second friend said something about the fact that she and her boyfriend were talking about getting engaged or married maybe in the next year or so and i just blurted out, “i’m going to die alone, in the woods.” i said it to be overdramatic, so it maybe could have some humor, but i wasn’t feeling very funny about it.

it’s like … jesus christ, all these people are running around, getting married and i don’t even have a prospect on the horizon. i’m not even dating anyone. i haven’t had sex in 4 years, i acted like an idiot a year ago, and 4 years ago was my last ‘relationship,’ which lasted 3 months, and still has me feeling stupid sometimes. if i’m really honest with myself and comb through the rest of the past relationships, i maybe put together a year in there somewhere — not cumulatively, but maybe i had a year long relationship with someone, if i was lucky. if you count all the back and forthing that goes on at the end of a relationship, when it’s not really official, but you’re doing the ‘friends with benefits but this is really confusing and sort of harmful and emotionally mindfucking no matter how we try and pawn this off’ sort of thing.

there are so many ways in which i’m a child. sometimes, i look around me and i have to remind myself that i have a lot of experience. i can do a lot of things. i *could* have a consulting business or be an event planner or get paid money to write. i. am. not. an. idiot. i do all of these things on a regular basis, anyway. i do fix things around the house. i can manage to make lots of things happen. i’m a grown up doing grown up things.

but in other ways, i feel like i’ve failed at life or something. people say this in AA a lot, but i feel like i’m in some sort of test, and everyone else got the memo or instructions or what-have-you, and i missed the boat. i don’t necessarily want to copy everyone else’s answers, but i definitely want a better test score than the one i’ve currently got right now.

i know. boo fucking hoo. really, i’ve got some high class problems, kids. i have a roof over my head, i’m sober, i’m relatively healthy. i have people who love me. i’m okay. i know that. but, i just feel like i want something more. i don’t know if that’s asking too much, but i really do. i want something more. and i don’t want to be bitter en route. i want to be accepting of where i am right now and just present. i don’t want to be envious of others or pissed about what’s going on right now. i want to be okay with who and what i am. maybe a foray back into this blogging thing will help. we’ll see.

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