i don’t feel old. i feel the need to reiterate that lately. i don’t know who i’m trying to remind … myself or other people when i start to get off on these tangents. both, i guess. first off, because i constantly hear people refer to themselves as ‘getting old’ or ‘being old,’ and … they’re two or three or five years YOUNGER than i am. and i don’t know how to take that. it leaves me with some strange sensation/s. part of me wants to laugh at them like … you silly, you don’t … what? know what old is? like all of a sudden i’m some wise fucking sage? does that make me officially old then? or then i get struck with some wave of resentment and self-pity like … oh. right. *you’re* old. so, i’m, what? dying over here? and then there are times when i’m calm and neutral and fine with life and know i’m not anything in connection to them. that they can have whatever experience they need to have. those times used to be more frequent, the norm. i feel like they are less and less and those other strange and confusing emotions are more and more prevalent.
i look at these people who feel like they are old and lament my station in life sometimes. everything has essentially been of my own making. there have been some circumstances, of course. the undiagnosed bipolar has had some impact on my life, to be sure. but it’s still been diagnosed for the last eight years. i’ve been sober for the last seven. i can’t sit and blame everything on circumstance and external force. for everything that is around me, i react and internalize and have choices to make. and i look at my life and i wonder what i really have to show for it. not much. mostly a wreck. i have no issue with my roommate, but i still have a roommate, my place still mostly resembles some place you’d live in at college. i have no financial stability at all — in fact, it’s the opposite of that. i have no relationship prospects.
i don’t mean to sit here and boo hoo. it’s just that really all my friends are getting married or just have been married in the last year or two. they’ve bought places or are buying places. and now many of them have had children or are having children or are getting ready to have children. and i don’t want children, that’s not a sadness of mine. but the commitment and responsibility and the effort and the maturity that represents? i just feel like i don’t even belong in their league. i feel like i’m nowhere near being able to talk with them anymore. i don’t know where i fit in.
i know a bunch of other people who are much younger than i am, both in age and in sobriety time. i’ve hung out with them a bunch in the last year or so. and i feel like i’m ready to get more grown up. get myself more set to be more adult. but i’m stuck. i’m stuck somewhere between these two groups of people. i don’t want to stay up all night (i say at 3 am), but i don’t want to be in bed at 9 pm, either. i don’t want to date around, but i don’t want 2 kids, either. i don’t want to live paycheck to paycheck, but i don’t know that i’m anywhere close to buying a place any time soon.
i feel like i’m in limbo. i feel like i’m seriously behind the times. like everyone is leaving me behind and i don’t know what to do. i guess i sit down and get my own priorities straight. the writing and the screenplays and the social media stuff. i guess i do what i’ve been taught and continue to do the next right thing. i have to trust in that. it’s really easy to get so caught up in it, all. i know i’ve said it here before, but i just have this low lying fear that i’ll die alone. that everyone will be off doing their thing and at the end of the day, i’ll just end up alone, forgotten.
it seems easier and more accessible to me as i get older and the years go by and more and more people pair up and split off. it seems like more of a reality. yeah, it’s 3 am …i can get so filled with melancholy now. i guess i should probably just cut this one off. however, i felt a trifecta coming on. we’ll see.