it’s been too long

randoms randoms randoms

went to the lincoln park zoo today. it’s free. zoos always make me sort of weird. it’s sad that there are caged animals. when’s the last time i’ve seen a lion, though. i love seeing the big cats … they do all these things that are *exactly* what flan does. exactly. at one point, i heard this huge noise coming from a part of the cat house and i went over there and there was this lioness just making this crazy noise and she didn’t seem to be doing it *at* anyone or thing and she just kept doing it and then i looked at her body language and i was like …. i think that lion has a hairball. seriously. she never hacked anything up, but i really think she did.

i’ve been connecting with high school people on facebook. i’ve been doing videos about it a little. it’s pretty cool. it’s been giving me a new perspective on my life back then and who i was and who i wasn’t and everything … especially since i have a hard time remembering that stuff. it was pointed out to me the reason my mom gets all wiggy when i say that i can’t remember my life or my childhood is because she’s probably all worried that she did something wrong or that she raised me wrong or something. it’s just what and who i am, you know? but i can leave some of that alone. i don’t have to remind her that my life is a little blurry.

my spiritual life is a little jacked up. i feel like i’m in transition. i feel like i’m all herky-jerky. i feel very adolescent. i feel like it’s time to grow up and i don’t really want to (man, is that a theme or what?), and it’s going to be the best thing for me. i keep praying for the willingness to be gently guided and disciplined by the universe and my higher power. what’s sad is that it’s really starting in very basic items that most people have gotten the hang of years ago .. like getting to bed at a normal time. that sort of stuff.

speaking of growing up … i’m reading the twilight series. i figured, why not? i balked so long on the harry potter thing and i regretted waiting so long (although it did save me the pain of having to wait for each new book to come out!). i sort of wondered why all the twilight people would preface things about how bad the writing was and all that. i just figured they were being self-deprecating so they wouldn’t look weird or lame for reading them.

well, the writing is pretty straightforward teenager stuff, but the thing that caught me and then caught me because of my reaction to it was … man, is this the stuff we want our teenage girls to be reading and falling in love with? i mean, i don’t really care about the vampiro and werewoolfian stuff, but the love story is so obsessive and co-dependent. and the thing is … i used to love that. i used to love LIKE that. i used to WANT love like that.

and i read it now and i’m eager to have someone in my life romantically and i’m eager to have a partner and i am also reticent at the same time, knowing that i’m not sure i know how to have a healthy relationship, either. but i *do* know that i can’t see that and think the concepts being presented there are okay to have a teenage girl model her potential concept of love after. i know it’s fiction, but i also know that that’s the kind of stuff that was helping shape my hopelessly helplessly ‘romantic’ brain at that time.

and it’s why i still watch some hollywood stuff and swoon even though i know it’s just no good.

okay. i need to start book three. i at least need to find out what happens, people.

i’m going to start to try and be more regular here. help!

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