expectations

part one
i do these facebook videos. i was doing them on you tube, but i’m pretty lazy and the facebook video just allows me to upload them straight to the site. with you tube, i’m doing them on imovie and then to you tube. maybe that’s still the best way to go if 1. i want to archive them for sure and 2. if i really think that’s going to make me famous or something or 3. i want someone outside of my facebook world to see them.

anyway, it seems like people think they’re pretty funny. i don’t know. there’s a part of me that loves this feedback. i love people to think i’m funny, right? there’s always been a part of me since i was a little girl that’s wanted people to notice me and think i’m smart and funny and somehow i’ve equated this with some idea that this will make me ‘rich and famous.’ truly, i don’t know why this phrase always runs through my head. i don’t know what the fuck i think this fame and money will get me. well, of course, i do. i think it will get me happiness. that somehow, this position of being noticed by lots of people — having some sort of pull, having some sort of clout — and having an unlimited source of means to do whatever i want will bring some sort of inner peace and serenity. that it will make me be the person i’ve always wanted to be.

i’ve seen proof — time and time and time again — that this absolutely is a lie. that this is a falsehood that many of us tell ourselves and that it leads to so much pain. that people who get these things, who achieve these things, who are given these things, even, often are terribly lonely or miserable or sad or whatever the opposite of serene and happy is. and that people without all the trappings of fame and fortune are often quite satisfied and content. and that the mixture of both isn’t about the money or the happiness, that it’s something internal that does the job.

so i don’t know why i get stuck on this idea of ‘rich and famous.’ but i do. i guess it’s something i should ask god to remove from me. ‘god. please remove the old idea of ‘rich and famous’ from my head. let my life be whatever you would have it be.’ anyway, i guess i say all of that to say that i really like that people are enjoying my videos, but i just am saying whatever comes to mind. i’m just telling what i believe to be my truth. my improvisation mentor, jimmy, always says that humor comes from truth. even if what i’m saying is painful on the surface, humor can come from it if i’m being truthful, because there’s going to be something in it that people can relate to. there’s going to be some small detail or some piece of ridiculousness that people can grab on to and say — ‘aha! that’s happened to me, too.’ and the tragedy of it all becomes funny somehow as it gets worked out. just like life eventually shows us glimmers of humor amidst even the most grim situations.

but it’s funny because the ‘i want to be liked’ gene rears up and says that i should only do videos that will be light in nature. that i shouldn’t do anything that might be somber or sad or might make people feel down. that i shouldn’t scare anyone with too much emotion or make them see anything about me that’s not good. that i shouldn’t reveal too much about myself. it’s the same shit i go through here all the time. that i should only show a sliver of who and what i am so that i can manage what people think of me. but the fact of the matter is, even if i did a better job of that here, i don’t think it’s really my job to manage that. i think i’m just supposed to go out and do my best. but i’m always fighting the urge to have expectations. or to dodge other people’s expectations of me instead.

part two
i don’t remember if i’ve blogged about this recently, but i just feel so caught up in the bullshit of being middle aged. i normally never buy into any of it. ageism or what age you are or anything like that. i just don’t do it. it doesn’t matter to me. but i swear to god everyone i know or have ever known is married or engaged. everywhere i look that’s how it’s going down. even people i barely know are engaged recently. and i’m just like … holy fuck, i don’t even know how to date. how is this happening? how are these people in full-fledged relationships where they have decided to declare to the rest of the world that they are now going to ostensibly be with this person ‘for the rest of their lives,’ and i have never had my own place ever? how did it come to this? how did it come to this?

how did it come to me not having had a relationship in 4 years and the last one being three months long and being way too intense for something where it wasn’t even overtly physical for the first month?? and then the thing that was a year or something before that was something that was COMPLETELY insane, codependent and inappropriate? how did it come to this? thoughts race and i really do wonder if i’m just not meant for such things. and thoughts race again and i wonder why i would have a desire to be with someone, then. it’s confusing to be sure. i have so many expectations and i wonder what other expectations anyone else has of me. i wonder if anyone will ever find me attractive or ever has or ever will. i just don’t know what to think anymore. i deep down trust that god must have a plan. but i feel pretty lonely and hopeless as of late. it’s hard not to know what to expect, so i’m starting to expect nothing.

part three
i heard the most amazing talk saturday night. there are these speakers in AA who sort of travel around to different conferences because they have a great message. they don’t get paid for their time, but they usually get their plane ticket and their hotel room taken care of for the weekend. they usually have a great speaking style and are pretty funny and have great stories and deliver the message of AA in a really dynamic way. i’ve come to expect a lot of laughs and a lot of great ‘what it was like’ stories and a lot of gratitude for AA. they’re great when i’m new, because i get an overview of the program and i get a lot to relate to and i get to hear that the program works. they’re great as i progress because i get reminded of how it works and i get reminded of how it was and i get a good boost in my program.

on saturday, i felt like god was sitting at the podium and just sitting at the microphone talking to me. i don’t even know what part of the guy’s story i remember. i just remember that i felt like he was calling me to a radical faith with radical action. i remember that he was calling me to put all expectations aside and ask god every day what it was that he wanted me to do. he was calling me to put down all my plans and designs and goals and dreams and just ask god to guide me to whatever god would have me do. period. to know that i am being taken care of and that i will be taken care of. that i don’t have to worry about anything. that i need to focus outward and do what god will have me do. i don’t normally buy CDs of the speakers, but i bought this one. and i just almost want to listen to it again right now. i just cried and cried during his talk because i am scared of the action he was calling me to take. i don’t know what it means for my life, really. i just know it is calling me to a really big faith with a really big god and a radical way of looking at the world.

it’s hard to explain. but it’s calling me to put away expectations and take up constructive actions. i’m sure i’ll have more later. thanks for reading.

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