in one of my posts yesterday, i talked about this ongoing struggle i’m having with my current bout with depression and how it’s currently affecting the way i’m interacting with my friends and the way that i’m perceiving all of it and what phase i’m in with all of it. someone made a comment that i kind of understand, but that another commenter doesn’t, and i’m looking forward to seeing a little bit of dialogue in the comments.
one of the things that’s pretty interesting about the blog is that its levels are multi-layered. there’s me talking about stuff. there’s commenters talking to me about stuff. there’s commenters talking to me about me talking about stuff. there’s me talking to commenters about stuff and about them talking to me about stuff. there’s commenters talking to each other and to each other about my stuff. it’s all very valuable information — when i agree, when i disagree, when i think it’s silly, when i think it’s angry, when i think it’s funny, whatever.
the blog itself is a pretty weird thing. i sometimes struggle with it … why do i do it? should i be doing it at all? should i destroy it? should i make it private? what are my motives? all that stuff. there are times when i don’t like some of the things that happen in the ‘real world’ as a result of my having a blog or written a particular post, and i HAVE to remind myself that this is all me; i’ve chosen to do this voluntarily and chosen to write what i write here and how i write it.
maybe the blog needs to take a new focus in tne new year. maybe it needs to become a launching pad for all my extracurricular writing endeavors. really pieces for all these books i conceivably am writing or want to write.
anyway, i got up and saw the one comment and will think on it today. i already woke up and such thoughts were the first thing on my mind before i ever got on the internet. i started thinking about what sorts of things i need to do … what amends i’ll need to make. what do i need to own up to? i have no real desire to lose people, to cut them out of my life. that’s old behavior. and what’s the worst, is as i talked with my sponsee last night, i was telling her all these things and it was like i was a the opposite end of a gymnasium yelling through a huge cone at myself. just hearing all these things, reverberating so loudly through my mind.
i was talking about how we don’t have to go through things alone anymore and how we need to talk to people about things and how sometimes, i have things that are upsetting somewhere in the back of my head and i don’t even know how much they bother me because they don’t seem like that big of a deal and i just keep it to myself. but then there’s another one and there’s another one and there’s another one. and then, i find myself with all these ‘secrets,’ for lack of a better word, and i’m distanced and isolated and really sad and lonely. and i feel terrible and i feel like i’m alone. and that’s when i start to feel like no one cares and that my life is horrible and that it will never get better.
i was telling her how she needed to share more and talk more and be honest with people and tell them how she was feeling and open up to them. and she said what is my heart … she said that it’s horrible to open up to people and be vulnerable to them. it’s like raw nerves. even the smallest things. and boy, do i get that. i’m the type that i’d rather keep something to myself than tell you something and have you not understand or not hear me or not care or not really be present. i had way too much of that action growing up. and i guess that’s my defense mechanism. keep it all close to the vest. but like so many defense mechanisms (alcohol, anyone?), that’s turning out not to be working so well for me anymore. at least, not really in the long run.
anyway, i have a lot of things to think about.