we just got a volunteer. she came in last friday. because i’m a control freak, i’m doing a little bit of prep work so the stuff she does is sort of in line for her when she gets here.
anyway, busy work is always sort of interesting because while my hands are busy, it always allows my mind to wander and get busy doing other things. sort of. in some ways, it’s sort of meditative. it takes the unconscious busy-ness and brings it sort of to the forefront. it wanders around, doing this, doing that and then epiphanies start to come.
i’ve got crowded house on in the background. their song ‘never be the same‘ has this line … don’t stand around like friends at a funeral/eyes to the ground/it could have been you and then later: don’t stand around like friends at a funeral/don’t suffer in silence
and i start thinking about my friend, mike. and i realize that i’ve thought about him a lot. and i realize that some of these crowded house songs have been making me think about summer (which is pretty good, considering how fucking cold out it is right now) and being able to walk outside with hardly any shoes on and skirts and sleeveless shirts and feeling free. and how i will not be able to drive around with mike and listen to music and go to the beach and hear him laugh. how he’s really fucking dead. and how that’s just ridiculous.
there will be no concerts this summer. there will be no parties. no barbecues. no goofing off. not with him. and i realize how sad i really am about this. and how this is one of those things. that’s been on me. that i don’t talk about. that i decided that people would be sick of hearing about about two weeks after it happened. cause that’s what we do. drunks and addicts fucking die. i know that. i do fucking know that.
so, i guess i didn’t expect any sympathy from anyone. i sort of even stopped talking about it here. cause we all get it. people die. oh well. especially people who like to smoke crack. who cares? i do. he was my friend. and i’m really sad that he’s not here anymore. i’m really, really sad. and sometimes, i can’t believe it still. i think about him a lot. not all the time. it doesn’t crowd my thoughts. i’m not obsessed. but there’s just things that come up and they remind me of him. and it seems so ludicrous that he’s now an abstraction. that he’s someone i USED to know. and not because we’re not friends or because he moved away. it’s because i physically cannot know him in this present life anymore.
these are the things i should be talking to my friends about. and these are the things i’m terrified to talk to people about. these are the things that i’m so scared that i will talk about and people will nod, glibly answering how they understand, all the while staring straight through me, eyes glazed over. it will be then that i wish that i had said nothing. that my heart will hurt like it is trying to explode through my chest, and the knot in my throat will feel like it is actually creating cancer as i stand there and i will want to grab them and shake them until their teeth rattle around inside their head.
i know it is because i feel too deeply sometimes. that i sometimes feel things at a level that feels unspeakable or at least feels like it feels that way. sometimes, i just want someone to take hold of me. but i’ve set myself up. i have to blame myself for this. people don’t want to take hold of you when you keep them at arm’s length. i know. i get it. i’ve done this to myself. i’m figuring it all out. i’m doing the best i can.
anyway, i miss mike. i guess it takes some filing and labeling to figure that out. it’s not even been two months. i’m pretty sure it’s still okay to be sad. it’s just so weird to not know that’s part of my deal. one of these days my head and heart will get along. until then, i’m trying. i’m really trying even when it doesn’t seem like i am.