lub dub

wasn’t that always the sound they used for the heart? lub dub, lub dub.

my dad’s getting a pacemaker on friday. med-tronic. my friend, bob, who’s an RN, says that’s the best kind. he’d get one if he had to. he says the procedure’s not a big deal. my mom’s also going in that day, same hospital, to find out what’s up with her cancero. is she all good? how was the cat scan?

i feel too young to lose my parents. but i feel too old to cling to the idea that they will always be here. i know that’s not true.

they say it’s attachment that causes suffering. it makes sense. i get the principle. i think about my friend, mike, still all the time. i still see his number in my phone and his name in my email address book. same with my friend, anne. and i realize i can’t talk to them anymore. and it hurts my heart. i wish i had done a better job when they were here and i had the chance.

i don’t know. i feel like i should be doing something more with my parents, and i don’t exactly know what that is. going up there every weekend? that doesn’t seem right. they do their own shit. i don’t drink. i have my own shit to do. i don’t know. i’m not sure what i am supposed to do. i don’t know how people reconcile all that their parents are with what they want them to be with all that they personally have become with all their parents want them to be.

it seems like there’s so much room for heartbreak and disappointment. and so much room for confusion and sadness. i just want to know they love me and aren’t sad about how i turned out. i want them to know that i think they did well. that despite everything we’ve gone through, i know they love me. and i love them. i hope they know i love them.

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