i had a really good time tonight. a few of my friends and i took a road trip and visited a meeting in champaign, il. we came home and then took another mini road trip to spy on some richie rich christmas lights in the near north suburbs. there weren’t that many, really, but the ones that were out, we got some good chatter over. well, i should say, *i* got some good chatter over. i LOVE to critique me some christmas lights.
as we were headed home, i started to get that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach when i realize that the night is over and i’m left to face myself. it’s really more like a heavy feeling in my chest; one that makes me repeatedly want to sigh, because i can’t breathe so well anymore — i always say it’s like a mattress of grief is weighing down my lungs. it’s not always like that when people take me home. i guess it’s just when i’m feeling sort of depressed or whatever.
i started thinking all sorts of stupid stuff, like what if i just sort of dropped off the face of the earth in this upcoming year. what if i just stopped coming around to my regular meetings and didn’t show up for my service commitments and all of that stuff i start to think when i am getting into a good depression. my anniversary is coming up in a few weeks, so that always helps me to get good and squirrely, too. i heard my smart voice tell me that i’d better get a little honest about this shit if i didn’t want to end up drunk in a few weeks.
i reluctantly started to leak a little here and a little there. by the time we had reached my front door, i was speaking pretty openly about how i was feeling about some of this stuff. at one point, my one friend, who was lying in the back seat, just came out with a pretty simple statement that really caught me off guard in its truth. i had been saying how i was getting to the point in the night where i started to feel a little scared about having to go home and be alone with myself, and he just very matter of factly said, “there’s nothing to be scared about. you have god with you. god and the kitty.”
i immediately felt a huge, hard, painful lump well up in my throat. tears sprung up in my eyes and i felt a little silly or stupid. of course. of course god was with me. of course this was something i would say to someone who was in my situation and was saying the sorts of things i was saying right then. and of course, that huge painful lump was a wellspring of sorrow and angst and fear, and what better place to take it but my god. and just as i had lain in bed the other night, crying and talking, ostensibly to flan, why not go in the house and do it again? why not lay down my weary, sore body and just tell god how i felt?
sometimes i just can’t see the simplest of answers on my own. sometimes, it just has to come from somewhere else.