i was just talking to a friend who has always struggled in relationships; getting into bad ones, generally. she is a beautiful girl who can’t see that AND all the wonderful things about her. i think she often sees herself very clearly and has great self-awareness while simultaneously discounting herself and not believing all the good things people see about her.

she’s been in nearly constant relationships (of what quality and length is varied) since i’ve known her and they’ve caused her a lot of pain. however, we all have our things and our weak spots in life. i understand her a lot because we truly have a lot of things in common in the relationship department. yet, we have ended up tackling the same issues very differently.

take me, for instance. the last time i dated anyone was in spring of ’05. it was very intense and lasted about three months. i chose to end it because i felt there were things that didn’t mesh with what i wanted and needed. ultimately in true smussy fashion, i went back to see if we could do it better, differently. if *i* could be better or different. he was already checked out, and there was nothing doing in that department.

to my own painful end, i wanted to remain friends. i know now that just because i have one lifetime friend who i eventually transitioned from dating to fucking to friends, this is not normally the case. yet, i have always maintained that in our case, it still could have been done … especially given a decent amount of time.

it was always a strange push and pull … i’d email and talk to him with no response. agonizingly being ignored, i’d just get to the point where i had officially given up, and he’d send me a clip to a video or lyrics to some song he liked or something. i would always mistakenly think that see! we could be friends, and i would go back to the idea of resuming our friendship. one or two emails in, he’d disappear without a trace and i was never sure what the ‘thing’ was that made him decide he couldn’t stand it anymore and needed to disappear.

that particular pattern lasted for a year or two. it got to the point that when he would fade away again, i wasn’t surprised. frankly, i wasn’t even really hurt anymore. i was always confused and wished we could be friends — i knew there was so much we have in common, it seemed silly not to hang out. surprisingly to me, there was a very brief period where we *did* hang out … to much success, according to me. for the most part, conversation was fun and free-flowing and he was seemingly comfortable in the situation.

as for me, i was torn. i was comfortable in that i felt no pending need to get all sappy or get a hug when i left or linger past the time i felt we had exhausted things. however, i was uncomfortable because i felt i was always dancing around subjects or walking on eggshells … don’t say anything that might be too personal. don’t ask any questions that seem too intrusive. most certainly don’t talk about relationships or dating or anything like that. and as per usual, i couldn’t leave things the way they were … i thought there was a chance we could be friends, you know. and so i was honest about it, and was properly ‘rewarded’ for my honesty.

yet, as i have always wondered, why not cut me out completely? why not never, ever talk to me again? who knows. it’s not something i ever wanted, but it just seemed logical … if you don’t like me or the way i want to be your friend or whatever the problem is, just walk away, right? i’ve grown up enough that i don’t keep harassing. i don’t do the come by your house uninvited and beg you to be my friend. shit, i do my best to avert my gaze when i accidentally run into you at a concert or when you walk past my place of work on your way to the train (what fucking irony is THAT?).

but, i’m still fucking haunted. as we all do these days, i was friended by him on facebook. oh, i thought … that’s nice. shows a capacity to have some casual contact. we’d exchanged some ‘comments’ and whatnot. nothing too hard and heavy or anything. obviously, since it wasn’t until tonight when i decided to search my email for ‘friends that were on facebook’ and his name came up that i realized … he was no longer my friend.

REALLY!?!? are you fucking kidding me? now i know that the fact that i’ve written all this will make some of you say that i still give way too much of a fuck. but i will say that i am still baffled by the whole thing. you FRIEND me (unless i “friended” him (when did nouns become verbs?) in a sober whiteout), and then you erase me. why? please, dear god, tell me why?? i’m a person who is all into answers. why this? why that? and for the most part, i’ve concocted some theories here that i’m pretty satisfied with. but when it continues to be subtly and weirdly ongoing, i just continue to be confused.

ignore me or be my friend, right? who knows. maybe this is some zen test for me just to have no attachments and just be all ‘whatevah, old navy‘ about it.

p.s. didn’t i look fairly good in this picture/old post?? i just got back on the topamax after months off, so maybe i’ll get rid of some of these damn pounds.


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