sigh

it’s weird. i’m doing some holiday card stuff, and i am making a list of people i’d like to send cards to. my mind was all — mike kaminski … “is not going to be around to get my card.” it’s funny how often i think of him, think i see people on the street who look like him. especially since we went through periods of not talking or hanging out. but then we would hang out a ton.

i had a dream about him last night. he was around, walking around, talking. and i was so confused in the dream. was he really alive? did he somehow fake his own death? why would he do that? i don’t remember what happened regarding that. i don’t know if he disappeared or what. but, it is striking how often i think of him. it seems so unthinkable that i’ll just never see him again.

frankly, it’s one of the reasons i actually like open casket funerals (which don’t seem to be done as much these days or in the city as much as back home). it affords me the chance to look at the person’s body and realize that the body in the casket isn’t them. it was a shell to carry the person’s spirit and soul and that is what made them them. it wasn’t that body. it makes me know that their spirit and soul aren’t being laid to rest … that will always be with me and with others who have had the opportunity to know the person. it provides a closure that’s very spiritual in nature for me.

yeah. i’m still feeling my friend’s death. it’s subtle and dull, but that’s okay. it means that i have feelings back and that we had a real friendship. and that’s never a bad thing.

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