well, i don’t know.

i feel like i need to write something here. i don’t want this to slip away. i don’t want this blog to just fall into the ether. i’m quite envious of my friend over at redneck reject (see blogroll) who is doing some great writing, some great character sketches. i’m envious of my hero at chicago stories, who is living a great life, doing some great living. i’m stuck, it seems.

i don’t know really what to do. i haven’t picked up a camera in ages. i still have tons of photos in my camera and computer i haven’t uploaded to flickr. i have all these ideas for books and movies and screenplays and all this crap, and i’m doing nothing with them. shit, i’d love even to devote a bunch of time to crafting and collaging and stuff.

and yet, i find myself running ragged with committee meetings and this and that and volunteering and i don’t know. maybe it’s time to slow the fuck down somehow. concentrate myself differently. i feel like my life is an outward expression of my inner life. i have really bad ADD. i can hyperfocus and i’m really scattered. i have really great energy, but i can’t start a project and take it to its finish most of the time.

i feel really confused and alone a lot. but i think i just stay busy so i won’t have to admit that to myself. i’m off sugar, but i eat a lot of fruit. i’m trying to keep my head above water financially. i feel like i’m suffering a lot of vague health issues — i itch a lot. everyone wants to say its flea bites, but i’m starting to feel insane. i think i’m just going to rip all my skin off.

for being so scared, i’m obsessed with the joker. “this city needs a better class of criminal, and i’m going to give it to them.” i stay up for an hour each night, way past my bedtime, watching weird clips on you tube. for fuck’s sake.

i’m pretty much admitting my mental decline, hey? “hey. i’m not writing so much anymore! hey, i’m watching the joker too much.” i’m nuts. okay. off to read dracula? we have another member at the book blog, too. so that’s something.

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