to do

get my eyes checked
get new athletic shoes
get flan groomed
take flan to the vet
get new thrift store cardigans
get new thrift store tank tops/short sleeve shirts
get new new bras
finish reading ‘great expectations’
put away (clean!) laundry
find a new sponsor/do stepwork
finish bid book for committee
write bid presentation
lose 20-30 pounds
do yoga/pilates
organize all my papers/files
get a massage
get a pap smear
get my teeth cleaned
get an inversion table
get a personal trainer
go to al-anon
go to debtor’s anonymous
have a good cry
write a movie
write a few books
study theology
go to europe
make love to a woman
learn how to knit
learn how to play guitar
take a really great road trip
learn how to sing harmony
meet paul mccartney
go to new york
fall in love again — maybe.

god. i feel sad. i feel lonely. i feel like i am so out of touch and isolated and living somewhere back in my childhood or nostalgia or in some parallel universe or something. i feel like i’m doing a lot of things and accomplishing nothing. not really, but sort of. i feel like no one really knows who i am or what i am about. i feel like i’m never taken seriously.

i’m really tired, so i probably shouldn’t even write these things cause i won’t believe i said them in the morning. i feel like i go around in circles a lot and repeat the same behaviors and end up in the same places. i wish that i knew what i was supposed to be doing.

i’m scared that i’m never going to find out what is right for me. everyone i know at least has a great career or a great partner or loves something significant about their lives. i love flan. and i’m wordlessly terrified of the fact that if things go well, she will leave me one day and not the other way around. other than that, i have no great love. i do not have a career. i do not have a partner. i do not have a steady that keeps me rooted.

i *do* have god. and that’s the steady, i guess. and that should mean more than anything. and i guess it does. i do pray a lot lately. but i just feel lost and lonely and like i don’t measure up these days. i feel like i just want to know that all of all of this is not for naught. that one day i’ll feel as loved as i truly believe you all are.

i don’t really even know what i’m talking about at this point. i just feel sort of forlorn. i feel isolated and desolate. i feel like my skills as a friend and a daughter and a worker and a person are minimal. i suppose it could be fatigue talking. who knows.

i have a lot to do.


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