giving it away

so … there’s this woman claire zulkey, who i think has some famous blog(1) and somehow i’m her friend on facebook and she’ll post these requests for stories cause apparently she must work for glamour and this time she’s asking for stuff about money and i just wrote one whole thing up about a money regret and before i go sending it off to *her*, i think it’s 3 a.m., and maybe i’d just better leave it here. i think it might be safer here, actually.

here is what i wrote.

okay … here goes. money regret.

I’ve always been really terrible with money. I don’t know why. My dad has always been a saver, always put in the basket at church. If you don’t have the money for it, you don’t buy it, in his world. In the Spring of 2001, my world got a little crazy — literally. I couldn’t make sense of much of anything and it all came to a head at the end of April. It was like I had a buzzing at the back of my head. I couldn’t think right.

Finally, after researching some doctors to see who was in my network, I went to my boss on a Friday afternoon and I asked him if I could “go see someone.” He didn’t blink an eye and said, “Yes.” I went and in little to no time was a diagnosed manic-depressive. A month later, I was spending a week in the psych ward. I decided to take a leave of absence from work and take the summer off to “get myself together.”

I don’t exactly know how this all came to be, but around this time, I was given my grandmother’s engagement ring (my mother’s mother) that was supposed to be mine, but I just hadn’t been physically given the ring. Well, in a grand move of intellect and impulse, I decided the best thing for me would be to borrow a decent sum of money from a friend and then sell the ring to pay him back so that I could live for two months not working.

First of all, it took forever for me to get my short-term disability checks, and that proved to be nightmarish. Second, I didn’t get near as much for the ring as I thought I would. Third, I still owe the friend a hefty sum of money. Lastly, while I still have a “sleeve” that the ring had (which is cold comfort), I regret the decision to sell the ring to this day. I have no idea what I could have been thinking. And to make matters worse, my mother has made reference to this decision on several occasions, making my own heavy guilt even worse.

Just thinking about it makes me sick. Okay, it’s nearly 3 a.m. and that’s always sad/tired/bad writing time. Better put this one away.

(1) i guess i should read her. i just can’t make myself read dooce, though. and after seeing her on the today show, i didn’t like kathie lee, but i STILL didn’t like heather armstrong. i don’t know if it’s straight up jealousy, but i don’t know!? i just do. not. get. it.

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