i do my best

you know … i used to be the kind of friend who used to get so codependently entwined in some of her girlfriend’s lives that when they’d go and get a boyfriend, i’d get unconsciously freaked out and jealous and really feel unstable. i didn’t really know it, but i think i was afraid i was losing my place in their lives.

some of that is normal to an extent. both on the friend who has a new lovah and tends to spend a lot of time with them and with the person who feels left out and wishes things could just be ‘like they were.’

however, i’ve done a lot of changing and growing up and all of that. and i have to say that i still find myself trying not to get sort of annoyed with my friends who run off to be in romantic relationships and never call me and never make plans with me and just sort of disappear only to run into them here and there and have them fawn all over me and tell me how much they miss me and everything.

really? cause you never call. and you never email. and when i ask you for plans you can’t, cause you’re so tired and you need your rest OR you have plans with the sigoth. and i am TRYING my best to be kind and loving and considerate and tolerant and compassionate in my thoughts. i am trying not to be old jealous, craptastic smussyolay.

but, sometimes i want to say … isn’t it normal for me to be a little hurt that i get to know these people and they seem to come to love me SOOOO much and i’m SOOOO great but not enough to stay in touch with? and i hear you .. “but are you calling them?” no, i’m not. because i have a horrible fear of rejection, and i can only ask someone for plans a couple of times and hear that they can’t because of this or that before i just kind of give up. it’s not like they make an honest effort to say, BUT … let’s try this day or that day or i’ll try and meet you in the middle. it’s clear they have their own groove going and i’m not a priority right now.

i’m just saying it hurts. it stings. it alternately hurts my feelings, which then can piss me off. i’m just admitting it. i know i don’t have the leeway to hang in “justified anger.” it’s the “dubious luxury” of normal men or some shit. but, i just wanted to get that out there. my ego likes to play with me.

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