falling down into a flashback

you ever have those songs that send you right down into a rabbit hole? i know that it’s tres uncool to like the indigo girls(1), and i’ve been openly mocked/chastised for being into them(2), but i can’t deny that i really like them. i like the harmonies. i like the lyrics. i like that they are awesome guitar players. oh fucking well. i’m trying to be an example of the idea that if you like something, you like it. if you really love beringer white zin, drink up, johnny!

but, my windows media player just whipped up “galileo” from ‘rites of passage’ by the indigo girls circa 1992, and i just was thrown instantly somewhere else. a radio station that doesn’t exist in the physical form that it once did. a car that has probably long since gone to rust and decayed in some landfill with a grateful dead dancing bear sticker on it. cornfields and train tracks in the far western suburbs. nights at the denny’s by the fox valley mall. sitting outside on the ledge of ‘old main’ at north central college on a sweet summer night looking down at the deserted campus at three in the morning. it’s just weird how a song or a smell can instantly transport you somewhere else.
(1) i remember having this weird moment of clarity in the lounge in rall hall my freshman year of college. i was sitting out there, late night, by myself. for some reason, i had my headphones on and was listening to the radio. i am wont to say that i was listening to WONC, but it was pretty late at night, and we were either off the air, or if it was earlier, doing a specialty show called “vintage rock.” so, i know it couldn’t have been WONC that i was listening to. i think it actually was WLIT, which was weird because i don’t think i’ve ever heard the indigo girls on that station. which now leads me to believe that maybe it WAS WONC, and my bad, faded, vague memory that can’t remember much of anything correctly has made it be late at night for some reason … because the dorm was desolate, i remember. so maybe it just was actually a friday night and i was just there all alone and feeling lonely.

anyway, i remember the song “closer to fine” coming on. and listening to all of the words and really being touched. i remember knowing from the station that the indigo girls were lesbians. i didn’t really know if they were ‘together’ or what. i think i probably assumed they were. that was probably one of my first real introductions to the idea of homosexuality in a real big way. that and melissa etheridge. i know that sounds ridiculous, but it’s true. my other real understanding of homosexuality was my friend, chad. i love chad to this day. he was a writer and a lover and a dreamer and fucking hilarious. he was obsessed with twin peaks and siouxie sioux. he always was exactly who he wanted to be. chad. and i don’t know … i guess i’ve always loved the gays. boy, girl, boi, grrl, man, woman, and any varietal or twist on the gender spectrum. yet, i digress for the nth time.

so, i’m sitting there, listening to the indigo girls “closer to fine” and i just hear this voice say from inside of me “i think i’m gay.” and i don’t really know where it comes from and i don’t really know what to do with it. and i think about it for a bit. and then i rationalize it away somehow. stay tuned, kids.

(2) liam davis, i’m looking at you.


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