a wave of fear and sadness

i sat outside on the el platform after work today, letting train after train pass by. i was sitting there, soaking up sun and getting a little light toastiness. i talked to two really good girlfriends, and life was fine. i then proceeded to head toward my meeting. i got off the train and perused the new army/navy surplus store on belmont and managed to not spend anything, even though there was a lot of stuff i desired. i was briefly sad because i realized there’s a lot of stuff i want and can’t get because i don’t fit into it. and i realized that’s just mostly my own fault at this point, because i haven’t really made an honest effort to change my eating or up my activity.

i continued toward the meeting and then stopped off at a few vintage stores to look for something to wear to a wedding i’m going to in st. louis next weekend. nothing doing, but i was going to keep heading to the meeting and was looking forward to going. i don’t know what made me think of it … i guess i was thinking of the cougar that was killed monday(1)(2) and the fact that i was talking tattoos with the one army/navy surplus guy.

i also think it was because i had just seen this girl and i could see that she had mirroring tattoos on her chest. i started to think about how painful that would be and if there would be anything i’d be willing to get tattooed on my chest. thoughts naturally turned to my friend, sarah, and the fact that she has this great tattoo. it’s of her cat who died in sobriety. i can’t remember her name right now, but she got it when her cat died. it’s a realistic portrait of her sitting and she has a little halo over her head. i’m not positive, but i’m pretty sure she got it from kim saigh, who is now on L.A. ink.

anyway, she loved her cat a ton and i saw this movie she made about her when i was really new in sobriety and i remember crying and crying about it. and i’ve been not really thinking bad thoughts about such things, but today i just got washed over with a wave. that flan won’t live forever, right? and what will i do? i’ve known her for my WHOLE adult life. since i was 20. that’s a long fucking time. and we’ve gone through so much and seen so much and changed so much. and i realize that she’s older. she got older for a long time and didn’t show it. but she shows it a bit now. and it makes me sad.

her breath sort of smells now, and she could really use a teeth cleaning. and normally, i’d call and make an appointment and they’d do bloodwork to make sure she can tolerate the anesthesia. they give her a clean bill of health, they call me, they put her under and they clean her chompers. i’ve done it once before. but i’m hesitant now, because i don’t want to put her through the trauma of going to the vet, especially if it turns out they can’t clean her teeth. or if the bloodwork comes back to show something significant that i will feel sad about, but helpless to do anything about. especially since i don’t have the money to treat long-term, chronic, progressive illness. not to mention i don’t want to put her through anything painful or uncomfortable if she is not currently suffering.

so, i let things go and hope that this cost-benefit of not knowing is not hurting her teeth and that i am somehow doing the right thing by not taking her to the vet for a while, which is totally out of character for me. i don’t know. it’s hard.

(1) it’s messed up. it’s sad that they had to kill the cougar (mountain lion/puma). truly. it would have been so much better if they could have tranquilized it. no doubt. and i think some people are up in arms because it looked kind of crazy to see chicago cops gun down a cougar … the CPD doesn’t have a great rep in people’s eyes, so i think that people are just extrapolating things out and thinking they didn’t do enough before just resorting to sheer lethal force. however, it’s a cougar. people saw this thing leaping 6 foot fences like NO problem. it’s probably scared. it’s probably hungry. it’s not going to be hesitating in chomping or mauling some peeps. you’ve got to take the thing out if it’s even a question. it was in roscoe village, not a forest preserve. so, it’s a mega bummer, but it just had to be done, given the circumstances, you know?

(2) the “cougar” jokes were funny for the first 2-5 times (a cougar was spotted in the city outside of its natural habitat of schaumburg …), but i’m over it now. seriously.

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