i don’t have any good gay boyfriends right now. and even when i’ve had a few good ones, i’ve never gotten close enough with them to have a good slumber party or anything. and as much as i tell my sponsees that being friends with ex-boyfriends or trying to hang out with guys alone if they’re not interested in them ‘that way’ is NOT a good idea, every now and again i do have this great utopian fantasy. one that i realize will never be realized, and that i hate myself for all sides of the argument for.
first of all, i hate that for a long time of my life, i was on the side of sally in the ‘when harry met sally’ argument that women and men definitely could be friends. and don’t get me wrong, i do think that women and men *can* be friends, but …
i’m definitely more on harry’s side in that i think that at some point in a male/female relationship, if it goes on extensively, and if one person isn’t gay, there is nearly always some point where one person likes the other or vice versa. it doesn’t mean they act on it, and it doesn’t mean it has to even come out or affect the relationship. but, i think at some point, it crosses one or the other or both of their minds. i don’t know. i’m really a nurture gal, but this is one of the times where i give my 80/20%, and the 20% wins out.
anyway, i don’t like that. but, the fact of the matter is, it has ended up to be true over and over and over again. add to that just my knowledge of social norms and behaviors of modern america, and it just gets ridiculous. due to the fact that i tend to have this androgynous way of being ‘one of the guys,’ i have gathered quite a bit of information about how guys act and think and feel and just how they behave around and with women. ladies. guys RARELY EVER just hang out one on one with someone that they aren’t thinking about sleeping with. that’s so sick and sad and cynical of my ass, but i’ve found this to be true.
and i guess i should quantify this to be for single people swimming around in the proverbial dating pool. this doesn’t preclude a married person from hanging out with an old friend or something. however, again, i hate myself for this … i remember hearing someone early on in my sobriety talk about how they had to start to act like they were in a relationship and what it meant to act like they were married and all this stuff. and how they didn’t need to be going to coffee with men alone and all this. and i was so offended. however, sticking around for a bit, i get it. there’s group fellowship, and then there’s going out ‘for coffee’ with someone. 9 times out of 10, that implies *something* when it’s a man and a woman, even if it’s ‘i want to get to know you better.’ and if you’re seriously seeing someone/are married, why is it all that necessary to get to intimately know someone of the opposite sex all that better? you know? and why are they pursuing that kind of contact with you, if they know you’re taken? see? it’s a slippery slope, to be sure.
again, it’s not to say that certain people can’t work certain things out, but i’ve always thought i was one type of person, only to realize that human nature is a million shades of gray, and things i once held very dear to are not always what they seem. my ‘conservatism’ has come about in strange ways as i’ve gotten older. it’s not at all in my financial politics or my social mores at large — my big, bleeding, liberal heart — but in the little nuances and details of etiquette. whatever.
anyway … i just have become less naive about some things. i guess it’s due to my own personal experiences that have shown me that things i thought were completely one way turned out to be completely another. and things that i can pretend are just friendly could end up to be completely disastrous if i let them get too out of hand.
but i digress a million times over. what started this blog post, i haven’t even gotten to. so, what i end up letting the ladies who seek my counsel know that is, if you end up at someone’s house and it’s midnight, don’t be surprised if you end up in more than a friendly handshake when all is said and done. there’s no judgment from me, but if that’s old behavior they’re looking to avoid, they might want to be on the lookout for the actions that get them there in the first place. and even knowing that, i ask myself a question i’ve asked myself a million times in the past when times have gotten sad and lonely or i’m particularly tired or i realize it’s been a long time since i’ve been physical with someone, but i really have no interest in being sexual with them …
why can’t i just fall asleep with someone? why can’t we just nap? why can’t we snuggle? why can’t there be such a thing as an innocent backrub? and i ask myself these questions, and i laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh inside and then i put myself to sleep alone. cause while i could pull it off with little problem, i think i’d be hard pressed to find a reciprocal partner. and even with that in mind, i know that i’ve confused all sorts of intimacies before, and start to think i need to do one thing if i’ve done another, or in order to get one simple closeness, i must first obtain a second. so, i realize my wish is pretty laughable, but sometimes, i just wish there was someone next to me as i fell asleep … no expectations, no demands. nothing but the idea that if i wake up from some disturbing dream, i can have some sort of touchstone that i’m not alone.
i think there’s a bit of work to do before that works out to good result. all right. time for bed. it’s been a long day.