fighting my instincts

and half winning, half losing. i just wrote that my instinct is to want people to like me, to want to be ‘cool,’ whatever that means. and i got some comments admonishing me for my last post, and going on to admonish me for how i’m living life; how i’m “working my program” or *not* working a program, according to my anonymous guest*. or at the very least, how i’m talking about it.

so, that very instinct that i talked about is kicked up. someone doesn’t like me. oh, no! but, the fact of the matter is, it’s a good lesson. it’s perfect that it came out of that post. cause i sometimes write in a roundabout way that i think needs to be read between the lines. i don’t always say what i think i mean. when i wrote that, i thought i was making it clear in my negatives that i knew what i needed to do in order to lessen the ‘i need to be cool’ problem. but that point aside, i get to be tested in all of that with those comments. to lean into the idea that there’s no way in hell i’m ever going to get everyone to like me or agree with me, and that is NOT the point of this life.

the point of this life is to be of service to others. and i know that i’m doing the best i can with that. i … i started to write out a list of stuff i do, and it doesn’t matter. i know what i do. see, this is a test of the ‘cool’ thing. that post was me being honest about something i struggle with. something that is a big ego thing for me, and something i really need a higher power’s help with. and this blog is probably also a part of this lesson, too. if i had more readers, i’d get more comments good *and* not so good, and it would test that instinct even more.

so, yeah. ego sting, but it’s okay. my ego can only get stung if i’m letting that part of me rule my life. and seriously … if reading something on a blog makes someone go yell at a puppy (even figuratively), the spiritual axiom i like says that there must be something disturbing *them,* not me. and although my brain still wants to taunt me saying “am i a wet blanket?” i have to let that one shuffle off into the ether, too. all i’m doing is coming and showing up and being honest. there’s no cover fee, folks. take what you need, leave the rest.

phew. that’s better.

*what is the difference between the commenters who are ‘anonymous’ and ‘guest?’ does anonymous show up when you forget to put anything in, and then do you have to actually put in the word ‘guest’ to get it to say guest? this is curious to me.

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