one day, it just won’t matter

there’s been one lead, or AA talk, that i’ve given that’s been recorded. somewhere, i have a copy of it. i’ve never listened to it. i have pretty much no idea what i said. the only thing i really remember is that i said that the idea that i want to be cool will kill me. and i really mean that. i mean it figuratively and i mean it literally.

it works on so many levels. it works on the i want people to like me, i want to be cool, so i worry about what you think of me, so i’m miserable tip. and that state of mind will eventually drive me to do destructive things that will kill me. it works on the it’s killing me inside to live by the constantly comparing myself to other people’s outsides, their money, their things, their looks, their attitudes, their demeanors, their status, *my* perception of *their* reality. when i live like that, pieces of me die inside.

it works on the if i’m constantly trying to be cool, then i’m constantly trying to figure out who you want me to be, and so i’m not really figuring out who i really am, or listening to the thing inside me that already knows and i move a little farther away from that thing, causing me to have more of an internal split than i already feel or perceive that i have. which in and of itself is a lie, and which causes me much pain and fear and angst. but continuing to pursue your interest of who i think you think i should be, instead of listening for who i already am, continues to fuel the fire that i am not already who i was meant to be.

it works because when i’m striving for things outside myself to make me feel or be ‘cool,’ i’m not trusting that what i am and what i have is okay, and that i have and am enough. i’m not trusting that i am being taken care of. i’m not trusting if i show up, do the work well, and continue to seek the path laid out in front of me, everything will be as it should be. instead, i act out of fear, ego and pride, and i cause situations and incidents to occur that wouldn’t necessarily have arisen had i not forced my will upon things out of a need to control or feel okay or want to just be better somehow.

and yet, all that and self-knowledge avails me nothing.

my niece (10) and nephew (13) are coming into town this weekend. i instigated it. i wanted it to be part of their christmas present. i want them to have time in the big city. i want them to see a different part of the world (the midwest, at least?). i want them to be able to do things they wouldn’t get to with their mom or grandparents. i want …

to be loved.
to be the cool aunt.
for them to have a great time.
for them to like to be with me.
for them not to be scared.
for them to talk with me.
for them to want to do things.
for me to pull this off in grand fashion.
to make this totally fun.

gah. see? all the stuff i wrote above seems total bullshit, hey? at the end of it all, i struggle every moment of the day 1. not to think about myself all the time and 2. not to want you to think i’m cool.

help me, god.


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