oh, i just keep getting lessons

i got my headshots taken today. claude-aline nazaire is AMAZING. i am so in love with that woman. she’s an amazing photographer and a kind soul and i wish i could be her friend. maybe someday.

but, holy shit, you guys. she made me look fucking unbelievable. i mean really good. it was like … who’s that commercial actor? who’s that chick getting print model gigs? who’s that woman? it was fucking crazy, dudes. it most certainly helped that i had my makeup professionally done, but still. it was so bizarre.

one thing that i learned after finally getting my chance in front of the camera, though, was that it wasn’t as fun as i thought it would be. i was uncomfortable. i felt awkward. it didn’t feel as lovely and normal and wonderful as i always imagined — me mugging for the camera. all these ideas i’ve always had, ever since i was a child, of being ‘rich and famous,’ keep being revealed to me as not being quite what i think they are.

she said i was very photogenic, which i’ve heard a lot, and it doesn’t surprise me … i think i take a decent picture. but, this idea that i’m supposed to bring some spiritual message to the world, rather than get all superstarred out, is being ever more shown to me. i’m obviously still not quite letting it go, getting headshots and all, but still. i don’t know. i mean wayne dyer is still famous in his own way? i have no idea. i should pray more and quit worrying about all this shit. just keep taking the right action.

i think way too much. but the other thing that i guess i wanted to talk about was the fact that she was kind of laughing at me cause she thought it was going to be this super easy shoot cause i ‘was an actress’ and would be all natural in front of the camera and stuff, and i think she was taken aback by my reticence. and when we’d go back and look at the pics, i think she was taken aback by my reticence. i really wanted to make sure she knew that i thought the pictures were INFUCKINGCREDIBLE. it just was that thing i have with feeling uncomfortable with looking good or feeling good or whatever. cause i felt good. i think i looked good. and that always leaves me with this weird pit in my stomach. i hope that me and god get that shit worked out soon.

the other thing i tried to convey to her was this idea that i like to be in the center of attention, but in this weird way of i like to think you’re looking at me when i can pretend that i don’t know you’re looking. on stage the lights are bright, and on the blog i can’t see any of you (but i still want to know you’re here), and i get embarrassed when i get busted singing all crazy when i’m driving, yet i still want to know someone’s getting it all down. it’s this crazy dichotomy that i can’t quite reconcile. it’s weird. not to mention other parts that i have no problem with, like public speaking and writing speeches and delivering them and going to government meetings and speaking my mind. stuff that apparently a lot of the population fears worse than death.

so, i don’t quite get myself. i feel like god blessed me with gifts of humor and expressiveness and the ability to half-assedly sing and act and improvise and communicate through all of those things, but i’m getting the idea that i’m not supposed to use them to be a ‘movie star’ of sorts. i think i’m supposed to use them to be a pastor or a spiritual grrl or something. is that weird. i might even end up talking about jesus at some point. man, this seems even weirder to talk about than me being bisexual. ha. you never know what’s going to happen here.

anyway, i just also really felt like it was a step that i needed to take, though. getting that headshot. it was something that freed something up for me. now i have it and i can send it out once they get fixed up and i can know i don’t ever have to say, ‘what if? what if i had had a headshot?’ you know? maybe you don’t, but i do.

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