i can see clearly now, motherfucker

written 12/7/06. don’t know why i didn’t post. probably was more to write. but it’s decent the way it is. and since i just had my 6 year anniversary on saturday, it’s good to look back at the thing that was the beginning of the end of the start of the beginning.

so at the end of therapy today, i got on about how i think that once you’ve been in a psych ward, there is a very strong desire to not ever go back. even though 1. i checked myself in and 2. i do still believe it was the catalyst to a huge change in my life, i 3. don’t ever want to go back.

and really, because i hang out with people in AA who are ex-crackheads and some people who have been in 5 psych wards and who have been arrested and people who have had multiple DUIs and done and been and seen and all sorts of much crazier shit than one trip to the psych ward, i tend to sort of blow that off. i mean, i fully remember the day i went. i totally called the day program guy, i wasn’t anywhere near killing myself, i was just really fucked up and needed help.

but to most of the rest of the normal world who isn’t an alcoholic or who doesn’t have mental illness, having a vacay at a mental spa isn’t really something you announce to people. it’s not something you put on the resume. you don’t use it as a lead-in.

and frankly, i realized as i was talking today, that it was really an experience that was very, very stark — that is, it was entirely etched in my brain. for all the things i forget that are freaky or make me anxious or whatever, this is just so emblazoned in my brain. every part of it. every part. from signing myself in, to getting my picture taken (?!?), to giving my stuff away to having to ask for a razor to shave (and then even being sort of surprised that we got to have them) to art therapy to smoking in this one room to having to read this fucking ’24 hour a day’ book every morning to music therapy where this guy came in and we all had to sing these songs while he played this acoustic guitar. and the one song that i will never forget is him playing johnny nash’s “i can see clearly now.” and every time i hear that song, i think of being in the psych ward.

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