please help me, i cannot find the remote

you might think that’s a reference to all the crap tv i’ve been watching. and maybe in some sort of subconscious way it is. and maybe that’s another new year’s resolution i should be making(1). but this is specifically referring to something i saw last night.

i got home around 12:30 and wanted just to pet the flan, take my meds and get into bed with a heating pad(2). but, while i was taking care of some stuff, i turned on the tv (natch). for some reason, the style channel was on (i think i was watching clean house the night before (not to be confused with clean sweep, which i don’t even think is on anymore.)). well, dr 90210 was on. and i don’t watch that shit, because although i can watch myself some surgery if i absolutely HAVE to, i generally prefer not to, and i definitely really skeeve out on plastic surgery.

what was odd and particularly synchronistic about my seeing this last night was that i had just had a convo on wed with my friend about c-sections and whether or not you are fully under when they sew you back up. i asked my midwives(3) and they said that you can be. i asked them if you are under general anesthesia, and they said no. it’s twilight. you don’t remember or feel anything, but these days they avoid general whenever possible. somehow, we get into a more detailed discussion of general and for the first time in my life, i fully understand what exactly general anesthesia is and why anesthesiologists have the highest malpractice insurance (ob/gynes coming in second). i knew all the in and outs of the adminstering of the actual anesthesia was a big deal insofar as how much you gave could stop someone’s breathing or poison them or whatever. i thought it was how much they were breathing in the mask or something. but my midwives made it crystal clear why general anesthesia is so fucking dangerous … umm…. you get intubated and there’s a machine breathing for you. you aren’t breathing for yourself. you’re sort of dead.

i thought that sort of shit, heart and lung machines were only for … heart surgeries, triple bypasses, big shit. i don’t know. i have no clue what i was thinking. it means i didn’t have general anesthesia for my wisdom teeth and probably (?) didn’t have it when i got my arm set when i was 7. i just didn’t know that’s what happened. but that’s what was happening to these women who were on this show. big old tube hanging out of their mouths and a big machine breathing for them.

and i’ll tell you. there are times when i think … man, if i had the money, i’d get lipo done. despite all my railing against vanity and plastic surgery and all that, i’d do it. and then i see a show on plastic surgery every now and again, and fuck that. i see the fat and blood flying into this container and i want to fucking throw up. and then i see them put it BACK into a syringe to inject in this chick’s ass and i’m just getting the chills. mind you … i’m DESPERATELY searching for the remote. and i can’t find it. under the cushion. under this one. in this crack. over here. under the coffee table. it was crazy. but i couldn’t look away. the one chick was on the table for EIGHT FUCKING HOURS. my fucking god. why would you do that to yourself. that’s longer than a lot of people are on the table for heart surgery. maybe even for a kidney transplant.

no wonder why people die and shit. it’s major ass surgery. you’re under general anesthetic and your body is being totally assaulted. you could get major infection. you could have blood clots. you could have so much shit happen. my god. i don’t get it. i was so horrified. i finally found the remote and turned on will and grace or something. but, let me tell you. it made me really think about how people really must hate their bodies to undergo something like that. as much as i think i hate my body, i just could never do that to myself. purposely put myself in harm’s way like that. bless them, change me.

(1) no refined sugar, exercising.
(2) i needed to put a heating pad on a mini version of the kind of cyst found in the same place as this story so it doesn’t come to the same end. it is suppose to heat it so it gets reabsorbed into the body. it’s pretty much worked! however, as i read the beginning of that post, i see that when i went to that dentist visit, he basically told me i might end up with a root canal, i never went back and now i have a bunch of teeth that are super sensitive and that i think are doomed. and to think i could have had them fixed when i had insurance. 😦
(3) i work for some certified nurse midwives who rock. i’ll tell you more about them sometime.


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