ack ack ack

i’m so torn. i feel totally unsure about everything. i need a job. period. i’m not sure what to do. i just need to do SOMETHING, i guess. i really want to do something that’s involved with writing or something, but i’m running out of options.

however, i’m also torn because some of my actions (lack of concentration, lack of interest in writing, mass eating sprees) indicate that i might be slightly depressed. which bums me out because i’m only on some of my meds and i am inferring that if i were on all of my meds, i might not have some of these issues.

or would i? i know in the beginning of the summer, when i was fully medicated, i was more interested in writing, etc. and the thing is, i have SO much to write. i have NO lack of writing to do. my book/s, my movie/s, stories, blogging (here and chicagoist), my AA stepwork, SO much stuff.

i talked the other day with two friends about what i wanted to do and all that. and i said i wouldn’t sacrifice sobriety/meetings/AA for anything, they brought up the common thread that people who really have a dream don’t let anything stop them, and sometimes that’s all they do in their spare time. and i was struck by this. should that be my life? constantly writing for my book, etc., etc.? maybe. at the least, it should be more than i’m doing now. i should be blogging at chicagoist and here every day. yet, it seems i have nothing. i’m just sluggish and clueless. i’m fucked up around money and finding myself hoarding things/possessions, etc.

i went and checked out a place that helps people with mental illness. it seems like they might be able to help me with employment and have other groups and such. that’s good. however, there were a lot of people there who were a LOT less functioning than i am. the woman who helped me said that they encourage people to check it out for a week and see if i wanted to be a ‘member.’ i almost left. however, i prayed and asked god to help me be open-minded. i wasn’t comfortable with AA at first, either. however, it was sort of a reverse effect. in AA, i didn’t feel as good as everyone. and here, i was thinking i was better than everyone. so i just asked to be “right-sized,” and to have humility. to know that i was NO better and NO worse than anyone there. i stayed for lunch (tacos!) and ended up talking to a guy who is on the CIT (crisis intervention team) team that helps train officers to deal with people who have mental illness. our good friend, eric, does this, too!! and it turns out there’s a national convention in memphis starting tomorrow. i am not sure yet if eric will be there. anyway, i still don’t know if it’s for me, but i think i could be helpful in the CIT scene and in their theater program. i’ll let god guide me (god, i sound like such a god freak. oh well.).

sigh. the other thing i realized is that i don’t express myself honestly here again. like … relationship stuff, friendship stuff, AA stuff. how’s that for specific? nice. anyway … maybe tomorrow.


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